After the unnecessary drama with mom on Wednesday (25 August 2021), i got into weird condition last night on Thursday (26 August 2021) and start asking him weird question like if he ever think anything negative about me.
He kind of confuse with my question but he didn't ask further more. Well since it's getting awkward because of me, i lied to him about want to sleep early and end up slept around 3am in the morning.
Honestly I am thinking what if He's thinking that the whole reason I am in relationship with him its because financial problem. Which clearly it's not the reason why i am in the relationship with him, I do love him with all my heart and everything.
I am being weird out last night by asking stupid question to him. He got confuse about the question but luckily he didn't ask anything about it because he know I'll talk about it when it's the right time to talk.
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Nendrong convince me that he is being sincere since the first time, he won't think something like that. He is confuse because the relationship is perfectly fine, and she believe its my insecurity that talking right now.
Nendrong said if he think's you're being annoying or negative, pretty sure he will definitely tell you right away
She convince me that he know exactly my conditions right now and he is being thoughtful about the whole situation.
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I do remember that he told me about it's my time to experience in this situation and it won't be like this forever.
I do remember he saying things like "Leave your problem to the world. I am your world"
Right now, I felt like doing self sabotage with my relationship which runs perfectly fine and I need to stop doing it.
I am thinking that I am almost 40th this year and my life isn't in normal condition compare to everyone else in their 40th.
I am well aware that i am not supposed to compare my life with anyone life but right now i felt like a failure.
Everything in my life is one big pile of mess start from me being almost 40th, divorce without kid, my parents divorce, got demoted, crappy job, crappy life and the only things that work out only my relationship
Honestly I don't know what exactly he sees in me. What if one day in the future he wake up and realize that I am not the one he wants to be his side.
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Nendrong says don't ruin your happiness with negativity, trust me. Don't do it.
God give him to you as a blessing.
She believe that i am in depressed states and being insecure because problem with Ibu suri and it's getting worse.
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I really think my demotion had huge effects on me more than i imagined it.
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Nendrong says you're getting demoted doesn't mean you're not worthy and don't you dare let whatever tante suri says got into your brain.
Demoted mean less money which effect you're being insecure because you can't give to mom maximum and also you're thinking that you can't make her more happy which effect your mind to your relationship so you're being insecure right now.
You can't forget about it, its alright but it doesn't mean whatever she said is right, and you know damn well it's not.
Stop thinking negative and you got to stop thinking like that. You're worth it and you must ignore whatever people said that might bring you down. Those people don't know whatever they're saying because if they know it, they won't talk shit like that.
If you keep mention this to him, it's not fair for him. You really need to stop thinking that way before it ruins everything and affect your relationship.
You don't want your relationship got crappy.
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Right now my relationship is the one that keep me sane for now
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Nendrong says : Stop think like that. Don't ruin what you have right now with your insecurity. You know in fact that you're the one who got lucky in relationship which is exactly what you want deep down. You should be grateful for what you have right now and don't think yourself as a victim.
You know what, sometimes i want to exchange everything just to get a relationship that i can count on for my future. So see? Sometimes what you have it's what people want.
I know that i probably have a better job but it's still a job. it can't be compared to the relationship that you have right now. You should be grateful. Don't ruin it.
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I need to do something about this. I need something to distract myself so i can stop this thing
