Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Officially divorce

It's official I am divorced.

30 May 2016,  the verdict already decide that my marriage are officially over.

I don't know how I felt exactly that day but I do remember crying during trial and when judge officially declared that my marriage are over as per today.

Honestly I don't have any kind of feeling for an asshole that I used to call my husband but I felt relieved because now I know where I stand, my status and everything.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future or with whom I am gonna spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want to overthink about everything or anything.

Alhamdulillah it's over.

Alhamdulillah my divorce process are easy and fast.

Right now I am just gonna enjoy my life with all my best friend, family and work.

It's about time I had to focus about my own life.


Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Go ahead then

Life are so unpredictable

Sometimes we have victory moments and sometimes we have darkness moment.

Life are full with many surprised event that come unexpected.

Nobody will have their darkness moment Forever and vice versa. Nobody will have their victory moment forever.

Sometimes we had to deal our own drama in life that need a lot of energy from ourself. 

Sometimes there's a lot of thing happens in our life that catches everyone attention.

No matter what you do (either good or bad) people always talk about your personal life.

For me personally, I don't give a damn about everyone opinion/gossip/rumours about my personal life. 

I don't own any explanation to anyone else about what happened in my personal life.

What's happening in my personal life isn't none of anyone business and it's doesn't involve national security. 

So by all means go ahead start spreading any rumour about me :

  • me being reckless wife who couldn't take care her husband
  • me being unfertil wife who can't gave him a children's
  • me being stubborn wife who can't understand her husband
  • me being the most boring wife who can't make her husband happy
  • me being the most happy wife that being left by her husband
  • me being the most stupid wife who can't keep her husband happy

Honestly I don't give a damn about what gossip or rumor about me because they don't know what exactly happens behind close door. The reason because they don't know : 

  • how many night I've cried myself until I sleep
  • how hard I to extinguish the love i had inside
  • how hard I try to convince that the person I used to love had changed into a complete stranger, later I found out that is him being the real him
  • how hard I try to put a big fat smile in my face after that huge storm in my life
  • how hard to wake up every morning and pretend still excited about the future
  • how hard to pretend that huge storm never bother me
  • how hard to pretend that I am totally fine
  • how hard try to hide everything I've felt inside
  • how hard to hide all the emptiness I've felt inside
  • how hard to hide that I don't have the desire to make all of my dreams come true

So I don't really care about people opinions about my personal life, as long my family and friends know exactly what I am going through.

So by all mean, just go ahead because you had my permission to do that


Life are so unpredictable.

We had our victory moments and sometimes had darkness moments.

Nobody stay in the darkness moment forever either nobody stay in victory moments.

Most of the times we thought that life isn't fair.

How come the all the criminal in our life has the luxury and victory moments in their life.

How come when we life our life with guidance and try our best to be a decent guy, yet our life are huge mess and miserable as hell.

Life offering so many options that we can choose. 

Either it's good decision or bad decision, everything has its own consequences.

Life aren't always black and white. There are Gray's thing in our life.

Everyone might think that we had a perfect life, we always in great condition, look happy all the time.

But the only one who know the real conditions are us.
  • We're the only who knows how much sacrifice to be made.
  • How many people that we've love dearly who turn back on us when they know the real conditions and they decided it's best to stay away from our life for good.
  • How many dreams and life goal that needs to be forgotten forever because it's the price that we've had to pay.
  • How many people that we've love dearly but we've hurt them and makes them our enemy.
  • How many night we've spend in tears because we can't handle the consequences for the decision that we've made.
  • How many tears behind close door.
  • How we've try to gave up everything in our life just because we felt that we can't do it anymore.
  • How many times we've try to hide all the pain inside our hearts just because we don't want to make our loved one feels sad.
  • How many times we've pretend that everything are perfectly fine and we are the happiest people in planet.
  • How many times we had to hide our pain, sadness behind our laughter in public.
  • How many times we had to pretend that nothing is wrong with our life.

But then again, we're the only one who knows exactly the real story behind close door.

So yeah life are full of consequences.

Make sure that you make the right decision and full aware of the consequences

Monday, 16 May 2016

Allah Maha Adil

Allah Maha Adil. Don't ever doubt it.

Sometimes our faith has up and down moment and its totally fine because we're just another human being after all.

Sometimes fate has a funny way to show us how life work. 

We might have the perfect idea for the future about spending our lifetime with a people who we though will never do any harm to us.

But then when you're totally wrong about that because faith has its own plan

Let see it this way :

Scenario no 1 : You have all the things that everyone secretly wish for. Almost everything in life and everyone around you think that you're life are perfect. 

They just see whats in the surfaces but they don't have any clue whats been happening in your life lately.  

The whole reason why your life was look the ideal life that everyone wants to have like :
  • how many sacrifices you have to make 
  • how many tears are hidden behind close door
  • how many dream and life that need to be forgotten for good because you can't make all those came true
Scenario no 2 : right now your life are in the most darkest situation that anyone would ever imagine. Endless tragic moment just keep happening in your life. 

When you think that finally gonna see the happiness in the dark corner but then again you are wrong because : 
  • You've kept thinking what the hell you did wrong
  • What the worst mistake that you ever do to deserve this endless tragic.
  • How come everyone life's seems to be perfectly normal but your own life was a complete mess
  • You've think how on earth that the person who hurt and left you in big pile of mess but their life seems to be happy 
  • when you've decide to gave up your whole life but then again some good new comes to you that slowly but sure all the bad guy who doing crime are having their darkest moment. 
So Yeah Allah Maha Adil. 

Even when we constantly ask and having doubt about our own fate, slowly but sure the justice are served.

Honestly I would never wish bad upon anyone from my past. I do wish y'all get exactly what you deserve though. If it happens to be bad, that's on you

Qs. Al-Baqarah : 216
“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui”

Friday, 13 May 2016


Before anyone protest about what i am about to post right now please shut the fuck up because its not about spoiler movies AADC but its my personal view about love.

How on earth a person who already move on, had a great partner who willing to spend their lifetime ahead and when the person from the past suddenly show up you crawl back to their arm.

Dude that's mean and evil. 

That person become a part of your history for a reason like :
  • infidelity (they cheat on you and left you for someone else) 
  • the bullshit crap you are just to good for me
  • another bullshit like i ain't ready for commitment (later on they end up with another person)
  • etc
When that person from the past left, you felt devastated, angry, disgusted about yourself image, start to question every single thing in your life, your world fall apart without their presence. 

The worst part from break up is when you had to start the move on process. 

Dude, move on process thing are so damn hard. Everyone had gone through the move on process. 

Before the move on process, you have to deal the mourn process. 

The Mourn process can be vary to everyone like : 
  • lock yourself in rooms for unlimited time (days, weeks, month or years) 
  • don't feel like to socialized with people because you don't want them to felt sorry for you
  • you've lost appetite for food or the other way around (you love food more than before)
  • you start questioning why the hell family and friends love you
  • you felt like damages good
  • start to hate yourself
  • start being bitter about love itself
  • sometimes being extra too careful when someone show interest on you
  • start missing the person so damn much and end up hate them as much as before
  • you make a vow about being single for life. 
  • you are wondering why you are with them in the first place
  • you start to avoid social event just to avoid seeing people because you don't want them to ask unnecessary question
  • being the most crowded place yet you still felt lonely

Well Move on process usually start if you already pass the mourn process. Move on Process are start like : 
  • trying to accept that the relationship wasn't mean to be in the first place
  • trying so hard not to blame yourself because the relationship doesn't work
  • start trying to believe not everyone as bad as the ex
  • you start to love yourself and made some improvement (maybe doing some makeover thing, work out more than usual)
  • start back in the dating game
  • start to socialized more with friends and family and the familiar word most likely come out from them : we're glad the old you that we love back, you look more gorgeous than before, etc
  • Suddenly being with friend are the most joyful thing and the idea going home early was boring
  • etc
Okay lets said that you've finally move on and have someone news who adore you much, make you their world and excited about the idea of spending their lifetime with you.

The world finally make sense anymore and nothing can't ruin your happiness. 
But that's when you are wrong because suddenly the person from the past had the nerve to show up in front of you and ask to meet you. 

The first thing come up in your mind are reject the offer because you've spend hundred of years to finally forget this person and meeting them aren't the option. 

But then as the act of courtesy, you finally agree to meet up this person. You convinces yourself that its more like meeting the old friend thing and because you want to hear what this person want to talk about.

The day finally come and you've meet them. The first couple of minutes are pretty awkward and silence are the dominant one. 

Then when they finally speak, the first thing came up are mostly the apologies part. The part like said : 
  • How such a fool they were for left out a great person like you
  • A reason why they left you in the first place
  • Ask forgiveness for the crime they do in the past
  • The most shock thing that they saying that the feeling are still there and never left
  • They sounds shock and disappointing when find out that you already had someone new 
  • They start make their way to reminisced the old time  
The worst thing after meet the person from your past is when you are realized that you still have spark for them, the love you have for them was never gone.

Then after meeting them, you start questioning and wondering about current relationship you had right now. 

Out of nowhere you suddenly decides the right thing to do was back with the person from the past. 

Dude, that's the most evil thing and stupid thing you could do.

  • Have you forget that they are the same person as they were in the past? 
  • Have you forget the mistake that person does to you?
  • Have you forget that they are the same person that decides to walk out from your life?

Back with a person from the past is like reading the old book. You already know how the story end.

Besides have you forget that wonderful person who beside you when that person from the past crush you over.

  • That wonderful person help and heal you from brokenhearted caused by that person from the past.
  • That wonderful person are there while you are in the mourn process and move on process.
  • That wonderful person love you head over heels and dying to make you their world.
  • That wonderful person can't wait to spend their lifetime with you.
  • That wonderful person want nothing but your happiness.

Now if you left that wonderful person for that person in the past, you are the bad guy now. You're the most stupid person in the whole word.

You are being stupid and idiot because you left the wonderful person for the person who left out from you in the first place.

If you are saying that its the love that you had for the person in the past. 

Dude, if you said that you are definitely the most stupid person. 

If you are doing that because of love, that's just bullshit.

You are the same person like that person from the past. 

My conclusion is : 

  • Don't waste your time and energy by being back with the person from the past.  
  • Don't left that wonderful person for the person from the past

Have You Ever?

Grass is greener on the other side. Yeah totally get it. 

We've think that everyone life seems perfect but we've never know what they're dealing with. 

It's seems like everybody was happy with their own life and seems like they don't have problem or issue.

It's your right to said: Astagfirullah I can't deal what's been happening to my life.

What I've done wrong to deserve this?

Why my life wasn't like everyone else? 

I get it when the problem and issue are eating us alive

Don't get me wrong about that. Totally understand about it because everyone has their own issues that they had to deal with it.

I didn't write this to offend anyone nor had any hidden agenda.

I am salute for everyone for how they deal their own issue and problems with their own way.

Had some people come over me and said how come your life seems had no issue at all.

Don't get me wrong, I had my own issue and problem that had to handle with my own way. But it wasn't supposed to be showing my mourn face whenever you see me.

For information, right now I am in my lowest point. I don't feel like doing anything nor had any kind of motivation in life.

Have you ever felt pointless about doing anything in your life because it's seems useless to chase your own dream? 

Have you ever wondered why everybody's life seems to be perfectly fine and you're the only one whose experience the lowest point in your life? 

Have you ever questions why the faith obviously doesn’t want you to be happy in your life like everyone else?

Have you ever questions to yourself what did I do to deserve this?

Have you ever wonder and start having the idea to end your life?

Have you ever lost hope on everything in life and think it's probably a good idea to just end your miserable life?

Have you ever felt it's useless to wake up every morning because you know that your world already ends?

Have you ever just lock yourself in rooms for days and don't want to socialize with people because you don't want them to feel sorry for you?

Have you ever skip meals routine and lost your appetite on any kind of food?

Have you ever walk down to supermarkets and look for a potion to end your life easily?

Have you ever been in with your friends and still felt lonely?

Have you ever questions to yourself why on earth your family and friends love you?

Have you ever felt disgusted about your own self?

Have you ever felt that you are damages good?

Have you ever wonder and think why series of unfortunate event come to your life?

Have you ever think and wonder why your whole life is such a big mess when it compare to anyone?

Have you ever felt happy and jealous at the same time with family and friends because they have everything that you secretly wish for?

Have you ever thought that destiny that Allah creates for you are the worst thing that ever happens to you?

Have you ever wonder that you and happiness are two different things that would never meet in real life?

Have you ever wondered that you and the entire thing (sad, sorrow, dark moments) are your mates for life?

Have you ever lost in public places because your mind in somewhere else and realized that you are in the wrong place?

Have you ever wonder why everyone else seems to be in perfect situation and your situations are seems in the chaos every single time?

Have you ever wondered what mistake you've done to that deserves everything happens in your life?

Have you ever felt that can't handle anymore crap and bullshit in your life?

Have you ever thought that nothing good will ever come to your life?

Have you ever felt that world is a really bad place to live and dream?

If you've been all those situations and all the answers to every damn question are yes, and then by all means do whatever you please.

Not being sarcastic or point my finger to anyone about this.

FYI this post is about my personal life and I've felt all those every question that I've wrote earlier.

The truth is I am in super duper lowest point in my life and frankly the thought of suicide or end my life frequently comes to mind.

I realize right now being in the lowest point in my life but I refuse those issue bring me down even more.

I am having the darkest moment but that doesn't mean I had to put myself in a sorrow mood all the time.

Please don't make your life darker by doing that. Please don’t self pity yourself.

I know it’s kind of cliche by saying: there’s a silver lining even in the worst storm ever.

I know and realized that my life right now isn’t my favorite.

The only thing I know that even the darkest storm won’t last forever.

Right now I might be the most fragile person in world but at the end of day I’ll be the one who walk with pride and huge damn smile in my face