Officially divorce

It’s Official — I’m Divorced.

30 May 2016.

The day the court made it final — My marriage is officially over.

I can’t quite put into words how I felt in that exact moment.

But I remember the tears.

I remember crying during the trial, And again when the judge declared that it was truly the end.

Strangely enough, I didn’t cry because I still loved him — That part of me had already gone numb.

I cried because it was real.

Because something that once held meaning had come to its conclusion.

I no longer carry any love for the man I used to call my husband.

But I do feel... relieved.

Relieved to finally know where I stand — To have clarity, closure, and peace with my status.

I don’t know what the future holds, Or who I might share the rest of my life with. 

But I’m done overthinking.

I’m done carrying weight that was never mine to bear.

Alhamdulillah.

It’s over.

And Alhamdulillah — the process was smooth and swift.

Right now, I just want to live.

To laugh with my closest friends,

To feel the warmth of my family,

To pour my heart into the work I love.

It’s time to come home to myself.

Time to choose me.

Bismillah.

Here’s to healing.
Here’s to new beginnings.

Go ahead then

Life is So Unpredictable

Sometimes, we have moments of victory.

Other times, we walk through the deepest darkness.

Life is full of unexpected twists, surprises that shake us to the core — both good and bad.

But here’s the truth:

No one stays in their darkest moment forever.

And no one lives in victory forever either.

We all have our own personal battles to fight.

Some days, it takes everything just to get through.

And sometimes, what we go through catches everyone’s attention —
not because they care, but because they’re curious.

The truth is, no matter what you do — whether good or bad — people will always have something to say.

They’ll judge, they’ll gossip, they’ll speculate.

As for me?

I stopped caring about what people say a long time ago.

I owe no one an explanation for what’s happening in my life.

My life is not a public service announcement.

It doesn’t involve national security.

It’s mine — and mine alone.

So go ahead — Start the rumors if it makes you feel better.

Say I was a reckless wife who couldn’t take care of her husband.

Say I was infertile — a woman who couldn’t give him children.

Say I was stubborn — that I couldn’t understand him.

Say I was boring — the kind of wife who made her husband unhappy.

Say I was stupid — the woman who couldn’t keep her man.

Say I was smiling too much for someone who just got left.

Say whatever you want — I really don’t care.

Because you weren’t there.

You didn’t see:

• How many nights I cried myself to sleep.

• How hard I tried to kill the love I still held inside.

• How deeply I wished the man I once loved would come back —
  until I finally realized… he never really existed.

• How much strength it took to put on a smile after the storm.

• How I woke up each morning pretending I was excited for the future.

• How I tried to act like the pain didn’t bother me.

• How I wore the mask of "I'm fine" when I was anything but.

• How I carried the weight of emptiness, quietly, every day.

• How I slowly lost the desire to chase dreams I once believed in.

So no — your opinions don’t matter to me.

As long as my real friends and my family know what I’ve been through,
that's enough for me.

So by all means, talk.

Gossip.

Judge.

You have my permission.

But know this:

Your words will never define me.

Because I already survived what nearly broke me.

And that is something no rumor could ever take away.

Life

Life is So Unpredictable

Sometimes, we have moments of victory.

Other times, we walk through the deepest darkness.

Life is full of unexpected twists, surprises that shake us to the core — both good and bad.

But here’s the truth: No one stays in their darkest moment forever.

And no one lives in victory forever either.

We all have our own personal battles to fight.

Some days, it takes everything just to get through.
And sometimes, what we go through catches everyone’s attention — not because they care, but because they’re curious.

The truth is, no matter what you do — whether good or bad — people will always have something to say.

They’ll judge, they’ll gossip, they’ll speculate.

As for me?

I stopped caring about what people say a long time ago.

I owe no one an explanation for what’s happening in my life.

My life is not a public service announcement.

It doesn’t involve national security.

It’s mine — and mine alone.

So go ahead —

Start the rumors if it makes you feel better.

Say I was a reckless wife who couldn’t take care of her husband.

Say I was infertile — a woman who couldn’t give him children.

Say I was stubborn — that I couldn’t understand him.

Say I was boring — the kind of wife who made her husband unhappy.

Say I was stupid — the woman who couldn’t keep her man.

Say I was smiling too much for someone who just got left.

Say whatever you want — I really don’t care.

Because you weren’t there.

You didn’t see:

• How many nights I cried myself to sleep.

• How hard I tried to kill the love I still held inside.

• How deeply I wished the man I once loved would come back —
  until I finally realized… he never really existed.

• How much strength it took to put on a smile after the storm.

• How I woke up each morning pretending I was excited for the future.

• How I tried to act like the pain didn’t bother me.

• How I wore the mask of "I'm fine" when I was anything but.

• How I carried the weight of emptiness, quietly, every day.

• How I slowly lost the desire to chase dreams I once believed in.

So no — your opinions don’t matter to me.

As long as my real friends and my family know what I’ve been through,
that's enough for me.

So by all means, talk.

Gossip.

Judge.

You have my permission.

But know this:

Your words will never define me.

Because I already survived what nearly broke me.

And that is something no rumor could ever take away.

Allah Maha Adil

Allah Maha Adil. Never doubt that.

Sometimes, our faith has its ups and downs—and that’s totally okay. 

After all, we’re only human.

Sometimes, fate has a funny way of showing us how life really works.

We might have the perfect vision of our future—of spending our lifetime with someone we believed would never hurt us.

But then reality hits.

You were wrong.

Because fate already had its own plans.

Let’s look at it this way:

Scenario 1:

You have everything others secretly wish for.

Your life looks almost perfect, and everyone around you thinks you’re living their dream.

But what they see is only the surface.

They have no idea what’s really been going on behind closed doors.

They don’t know:

• how many sacrifices you’ve made,

• how many tears you’ve cried in silence,

• how many dreams you’ve had to bury because they simply couldn’t come true.

Scenario 2:

You’re in the darkest chapter of your life.

Tragedy after tragedy keeps happening.

Just when you think you’ve found a little bit of happiness at the end of the tunnel, you’re proven wrong—again.

You keep asking yourself:

• What did I do to deserve all this pain?

• What was the worst mistake I ever made?

• Why does everyone else’s life seem so normal while mine feels like chaos?

• How could the person who hurt and abandoned me seem to live so happily while I’m left in pieces?

And just when you feel like giving up on everything— Some good news comes.

 

Slowly but surely, the people who wronged you start to face their own darkness.

So yes—Allah Maha Adil.

Even in moments of doubt, even when we question our fate, His justice always finds its way.

It may take time, but the truth always reveals itself.

Honestly, I would never wish harm on anyone from my past.

But I do wish for everyone to get exactly what they deserve.

If what they deserve turns out to be bad—well, that’s on them.

QS. Al-Baqarah: 216

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu. Dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."

AADC

Before anyone protests about what I’m about to post, please shut the fuck up. This isn’t about an AADC movie spoiler—it’s my personal view on love.

How on earth can someone who has already moved on—who now has a great partner ready to spend a lifetime with them—suddenly crawl back into the arms of someone from their past?

Dude, that’s mean and cruel.

That person from the past became history for a reason, like:

• They cheated and left you for someone else.

• They fed you that bullshit line: “You’re too good for me.”

• Or the classic: “I’m not ready for commitment,” and yet ended up with someone else right after.

When that person walked out, you were left devastated—angry, disgusted with yourself, questioning every part of your life. 

Your world collapsed without them.

But the worst part of a breakup? It’s the moving-on process.

And damn, that shit is hard. 

Everyone who's ever had their heart broken knows that.

Before you can move on, you go through the mourning process, which looks different for everyone:

• Locking yourself in your room for days, weeks, or even months.

• Avoiding social contact because you don't want pity.

• Losing your appetite—or eating everything in sight.

• Wondering why your friends and family even love you.

• Feeling like damaged goods.

• Hating yourself.

• Growing bitter about love.

• Becoming overly cautious whenever someone shows interest.

• Missing them like crazy, then hating them just as much.

• Swearing off love for life.

• Avoiding events just to dodge questions from people.

• Being in a crowded room but still feeling utterly alone.

Then, slowly, you begin to move on.

The move-on process looks like this:

• Accepting that the relationship wasn’t meant to be.

• Stopping the self-blame.

• Believing not everyone is like your ex.

• Starting to love yourself again—maybe a makeover, hitting the gym, a glow-up.

• Going back out into the dating world.

• Reconnecting with friends and family who say, “We’re glad to see the old you again.”

• Laughing again.

• Realizing that being around people brings you joy.

• Not wanting to go home early anymore.

Then—finally—you find someone new.

Someone who adores you.

Someone who sees a future with you.

Someone who makes the world make sense again.

But just when everything is going great, that person from the past dares to show up and asks to meet.

Your first instinct? HELL NO.

You spent what felt like a hundred years trying to forget them. 

You don’t want to risk it all now.

But as an act of courtesy—or maybe curiosity—you agree to meet. 

You tell yourself, “It’s just like catching up with an old friend.”

Then the day comes. The vibe is awkward at first—mostly silence.

Then they speak.

They apologize.

They tell you how stupid they were to leave someone like you.

They explain why they walked away.

They ask for forgiveness.

They say the feelings never went away.

They act surprised you’ve moved on.

They start reminiscing about the “good old days.”

The worst part?

You realize that deep down, the spark is still there.

The love you buried never fully disappeared.

After the meeting, you start questioning everything:

• Your current relationship.

• Your feelings.

• Your decisions.

And suddenly—just like that—you consider going back to the person who broke you.

That, my friend, is the stupidest thing you could ever do.

Have you forgotten who they were?

Have you forgotten the pain they caused?

Have you forgotten that they CHOSE to leave?

Getting back with someone from the past is like re-reading a book—you already know how it ends.

And in doing so, you risk breaking the heart of the one person who stayed when everyone else walked away.

The one who helped you heal.

The one who stood by you through your mourning and healing.

The one who loves you deeply and dreams of forever with you.

The one who never gave up on you.

So if you leave that person for the one who broke you, you become the villain in your own story.

You become the very thing you hated.

If you say you’re doing it “for love,” that’s just another excuse. And a dumb one at that.

Don’t be that person.

Conclusion:

• Don’t waste your time or energy going back to someone who didn’t choose you the first time.

• Don’t leave someone amazing for a ghost from your past.

Have You Ever?

The Grass Seems Greener on the Other Side. I Totally Get It.

We often think everyone else’s life is perfect, but we rarely know what they’re really dealing with.

It looks like everyone is happy, living their best life, without any problems or struggles.

And then there’s you, thinking:

"Astagfirullah, I can’t deal with what’s been happening in my life."

"What have I done to deserve this?"

"Why isn’t my life like everyone else’s?"

I get it.

Sometimes, the pain and the problems feel like they’re eating us alive.

Don’t get me wrong—I truly understand.

Every person has their own battles to face.

I'm not writing this to offend anyone or to seek attention.

Honestly, I salute everyone who deals with their issues in their own way.

People have come up to me and said,

"Your life seems so perfect. How do you do it?"

But the truth is—I have my own problems too. 

I just choose not to show a sad face every time you see me.

Right now, I’m at the lowest point of my life.

I don’t feel like doing anything. I have zero motivation.

Have you ever felt like everything in your life is pointless?

Like it’s useless to even chase your dreams?

Like everyone else’s life is going perfectly, and you’re the only one who’s falling apart?

Have you ever asked yourself:

• Why does it feel like fate is against me?

• What did I do to deserve this?

• Why do I feel like I’ll never be happy?

• Why does ending my life seem like the only way out?

Have you ever:

• Lost hope in everything?

• Felt it was useless to get out of bed because your world had already ended?

• Locked yourself in a room for days, avoiding people because you didn’t want their pity?

• Skipped meals and lost your appetite for anything?

• Walked through a supermarket looking for a painless way to die?

• Been surrounded by friends, yet felt completely alone?

• Wondered why your family and friends love you at all?

• Felt disgusted with yourself?

• Thought you were broken beyond repair?

• Asked why misfortune keeps finding its way into your life?

• Felt jealous of loved ones for having what you secretly wish for?

• Thought your destiny, the one Allah gave you, is the worst path possible?

• Believed that happiness and you are strangers that will never meet?

Have you ever:

• Zoned out so hard in public that you found yourself in the wrong place?

• Felt like the world is always in sync for others but always in chaos for you?

• Thought no good thing will ever come your way?

• Felt the world is just a cruel place to live in?

If you’ve answered yes to all of these...

Then do what you feel you must.

I’m not being sarcastic.

I’m not pointing fingers.

This post is about me.

I’ve felt every single one of those things I just wrote.

I am currently at the lowest point in my life.

And yes, the thought of ending it all has crossed my mind more than once.

But here's the thing:

Even in this darkness, I refuse to let it destroy me.

I’m living through my darkest moments, but that doesn’t mean I have to wear sorrow like a uniform.

Please, don’t make your life even darker.

Please, don’t drown in self-pity.

I know it sounds cliché, but…

There’s always a silver lining, even in the worst storm.

No, my life right now isn’t what I wish for.

But I believe this:

Even the darkest storms don’t last forever.

Right now, I may be the most fragile person in the world.

But one day, I’ll walk tall—with pride and a huge, genuine smile on my face.

Bismillah.