Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Dear You

How could anyone can feel love and hate at the same time with the same person.

It's just so damn confuse how come a man who fall madly deeply in love towards woman and then out of nowhere he just felt out of love.

Although he already made ijab kabul (a holy vow to Allah swt and witness  by thousands of people and angels)

Then he decided to do something fool just to fulfill his curiosity without realized that he end up hurting his significant other (wife).

His wife doing everything she could to make his husband back to his normal self. 

Even though she know and realized not everyone will support her decision to stand by besides her husband.

She knows it and don't really give a damn about judgements from everyone and her parents.

She know that her parents and her brother never understand the reason why she falls head over heels with a guy like her husband and won't leave him behind after what he done in the last years.

She keeps her parents in the dark about her situation with her husband. But she just a normal human being, despite she pull out strong look in the outside. There are times she just can't handle the situation. 

When she just can't handle everything else, she will turn to her best friends, her inner circle,  her favorite people in the world.

When she felt that she couldn't stand it any longer and decided to leave her beloved husband behind. At first her husband doesn't do and said anything when she move out from their place.

But doesn't take a long time that the husband came to his sense and want his wife come back to their home. The wife fight along because she just tired and feed up with her husband behavior behind her back.

The wife had all the details and the proof of everything that her husband did and she felt that's enough to end all of this.

She felt devastated, angry, crush, lonely, meaningless, unworthy, broken to a million pieces.

She felt that her world fall apart when she found out everything about her husband.

She feels bad about herself. Felt that somehow what her husband did was a partly her mistake about not being the wife that her husband wants.

There's a day when she tears apart. Her tears won't stop just like water come down nonstop.

She is no longer had passion about everything include life. She thought about suicide but Alhamdulillah that she's not doing it.

She felt useless, embarrassed about her love life but at one point she realized that she choose him and now she had to face the consequences. 

Then she decided to move on, trying to live her life as usual before she knows her husband.  Even though it's hard to do it but she's survive. 

But the first week was thought for her, her tears won't stop. Sometimes she wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her husband and then she will burst in tears. 

When that happens the only thing she can do just turn to Allah swt and then hug her pillow as if the pillow will hug her back.

She try to compensate her sadness and loneliness with her friend. Never stand a night in her new place. 

She just come back when she need a fresh clothes. She never had a time to think clearly because thinking is the last thing in her mind. 

She is back into her old habit which she already promise to her husband not to do that again. 

She started to smoked again, it's her bad habits. Whenever she's being stressed and start smoking usually it won't be good. She's a bad smokers whenever she's stress. She know it but she couldn't help it.

After a months living alone, she's get used to it and start fell comfortable on her own. She just can't stand being alone in her new apartment. She just go to her friends place. One place to another place as if its going to heal her broken heart.

She started to think the worst possible ending about her marriage life. She start to think about the worst case scenario and how to handle all the effect and impact toward her, her husband family, her family.

Even though she know that everyone will support her decision to leave him behinds but somehow she still love her husband despite everything he does that hurting her.

Somehow she still won't believe that this is happening in her life. How much she's hopping that this just another nightmares in the night. Hopes that this living nightmare will end up soon.

As the time goes by, her husband made a contact with her. He tell all the story and everything except apologize to her wife. He wants her comes back to their place. He wants to start over and said that he can changes.

After a long talk with each other and thinking about everything then she decided to come back to their place.

The husband keep the promise that he will change. He will try everything to make her wife comfortable in their place, provide everything he could afford for his wife. 

But that won't last for long, she knew that her husband hasn't change at all like he promise that he would change. 

Her husband still doing the things that he swears he didn't do it at all. 

He still hurt her but now he doing it smoothly thinking that she wouldn't notice the difference.

When she found out that her husband hasn't change in some area,she felt betrayed all over again. 

Her husband just some bastard who can't satisfied with just one woman in his life. 

He is becoming more like her father and his father, which is he swore to her that he won't become her father or his father. Which now is an irony because right now he just like her father and his father.

She become numb,can't feel anything towards her husband (either love, hate, angry, jealous or anything). She felt useless to save their marriage.

She is thinking about having a revenge. Thinking that if her husband hurt feeling by unfaithful to her, she could do the same thing. 

As predicted some of her friends being supportive about the idea and some people aren't so supportive at all.

When she finally decided to do the revenge towards her husband, no matter how hard she try to make an affair with someone, before it gone to far somehow she just can't do that. She stopped it before too late. Somehow she couldn't do it to her husband even though her husband deserve what's coming to him.

Right now she just felt numb. She started to questioning about everything her husband did. She just can't trust him like the old days. She feels paranoid about everything. 

Nobody's can blame her because she knows every single thing and all the detail about everything that her husband do behind her back. She felt alone because no one support her decision come back with him. 

Even though some of her friends punished her because her decision to come back with him. They made a clear statement to her if she insist come back with him, they will become her enemy, even worst they don't want to know her again. 

When she finally come back with him,she made her friends pays the promise they make. Soon she's no longer seeing them but eventually one of her friend suddenly make a big deal about it. How she became ungrateful bitch after she came back with her husband. How she's suddenly gone without a word and avoiding any contacts with them.

They're not see that coming. They thinks that she just a little girl which will turn apart when they are gone from her live. They think that they can make her change her mind and leave him behind. 

She knows that everyone's thinks her stupid because she decided to stay with her husband despite what's he did. 

She know that everyone secretly laughing behind her back. She determine to proof to everyone whose questioning about her choice that they were wrong in the first place. But somehow she knew it useless because whatever she do right now just postpone everything. 

I don't know what would happen in the future but deep down i knew that i don't want to be with anyone else but you.

I already forgive you about everything that you do that hurt me so much.

I know that you might think that i am clueless about everything that you do behind my back but you've got to know something that i already know about everything

I might still stand beside you right now but please note that it won't last so please think carefully what exactly do you want in life.

Do you want me or the others stupid girls its up to you.

When you already have the answer and the decision, you know where to find me.

Don't be too long because i might not be around when you have the decision.

Just make sure that you won't regret it.

Make sure that you won't regret it before its too late


Mohon yang terbaik menurutMu

Ya Allah
Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak kebaikan daripada mudharat, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, dekatkanlah kami berdua, mohon hilangkanlah segala permasalahan yang ada, mohon lembutkanlah hati kami berdua dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon hilangkan segala emosi negatif (amarah, dendam, sedih, duka), mohon tunjukkanlah dan berikanlah solusi dari semua permasalahan yang ada saat ini.

Ya Allah
Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak mudharat daripada kebaikan, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, mohon hilangkanlah segala rasa yang dahulu pernah ada, mohon lapangkanlah hati kami dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon tunjukkanlah inti dari permasalahan yang ada.

Aku memohon kemurahan hatiMu Ya Rabb
Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena Engkau maha mengetahui segala sesuatu baik yang tersirat maupun tersurat.

Jika hamba boleh meminta, hamba ingin pernikahan ini kembali utuh seperti sedia kala, tapi itu mungkin bukan yang terbaik menurutMu.

Ya Allah Ya Rabb
Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena insya allah itu yang terbaik untuk hamba meski belum tentu hamba menyukainya