Sunday, January 31, 2016

Closed Book

Close Book 

Yeah don't take it literary. 

It's been a hell of couple years (Aug 2014 until Jan 2016)


There's a lot going on these couple years.

Nightmare after nightmare, affair after affair, betrayal.

I should have known from the start. 

I should have guess from the start.

I am clueless about everything

All my fear, nightmare are coming true in life. Everything that i couldn't think of would happen and suddenly it happen in my life.

Everything already happen and no matter how hard i try to erase it from my mind, i could never do it.

I should never blame it on myself. 

Thousand of excuse comes in mind : what if this, what if that, how this that, and thousand question comes in my mind.

I just wish there's a technology that can make me forget about this crazy thing that happen lately

I do believe : whatever you do (either good or bad) you will receive the same amount (good or bad). In simple words it gonna be this : What comes around goes around

Well that's all i guess

Bismillah :)

CLOSE BOOK :)

Fresh Start

FRESH START

START FROM TODAY, NO MORE LOOK BACK 

NO MORE TEARS 

NO MORE REGRETS

NO MORE CRY MYSELF AT NIGHT

BISMILLAH ;)

FROM NOW ON, I SHOULD WALK WITH MY HEAD HIGH

BISMILLAH ;)

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Ultimate Darkness

Never thought in a million years that this ultimate darkness will come to haunt with every scary nightmares

How you supposed to do with the ultimate darkness that come out of no where without giving any sign or either warning?

Every time you look at your surrounding, its just black wall, night mare, darkness every where.

You can't see anything or either breath. Breathing sounds like a luxury in a moment like this

You have two choices : the first one give up until you became the part of the darkness or the second one no matter how hard to start all over again, face with all the strength that you have, fight even its feel like there's is no hope.

Old man said there's a silver lining in every situation even the ultimate darkness situation

Have a little faith on your own self

The ultimate darkness its not the end of the world because its the beginning of the beautiful adventure out there.

The ultimate darkness, storm and friends will not stand like this forever because soon enough we will see a beautiful rainbow, beautiful adventure

Go fight the ultimate darkness with head high and don't comeback again before the rainbow come along

It's not the end of the world

It's the beginning of the beautiful adventure out there

Enjoy your adventure

Monday, January 25, 2016

Go the hell

STARTING TODAY, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME

YOU ARE NOBODY

DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TO SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME OR MY FAMILY

BETTER STAY AWAY FROM ME FOR GOOD

BECAUSE IF I SAW YOU CAME ANY CLOSER OR SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU BETTER WISH THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ME.

YOU BETTER WISH YOU DIDN'T MESS AROUND WITH ME

YOU ARE DEAD FOR ME

YOU ARE DEAD FOREVER

YOU ARE NOBODY BUT AN ASSHOLE

I WAS WRONG THINKING HIGHLY OF YOU THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE NERVE TO DO THIS SUCH EVIL THING

I WAS WRONG ALL ALONG AND THEY WERE RIGHT FROM THE START

I WAS SUCH A FOOL TO EVEN BELIEVE YOU FROM THE START

BOTH OF YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER. 

BOTH OF YOU ARE DEAD TO ME 

NEVER SHOW BOTH OF YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF ME

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE A HUGE HYPOCRITE BY SAYING WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS

NAH I WOULDN'T WANT TO SAID THOSE GOOD THING EITHER SAID THE BAD THING (ALTHOUGH BOTH OF YOU DESERVE IT).

I AIN'T GONNA LOWER MY CLASS DOING THE SAME BAD THING

THE ONLY THING I WILL DO IS JUST SAID ALHAMDULILLAH AND THEN WALK AWAY

FOR YOUR CONCERN I WOULDN'T GET MY REVENGE, I AM TOO LAZY TO DO THAT.

I WILL JUST WALK AWAY AND SEE WHAT HAPPEN NEXT

A WISE MAN SAID : WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. 

I AM TOO LAZY TO SCHEME A REVENGE SO I AM JUST GONNA LET KARMA SAID HI TO BOTH OF YOU

GOODBYE FOR GOOD

Thursday, January 14, 2016

I am done

I am done torture myself like this.

This kinda thing I did to myself wasn't healthy and will make me sick eventually.

I am done grieving for you. My body doesn't deserve to be treated like this

No more laying in bed all day long, no more trying not to eat anything in a days, no more spending a day in home without wanting to do absolutely nothing.

Yeah I need to stop doing things like this.

If he can move on that kinda fast, having a baby girl as soon as possible, found the woman that he truly love (gosh i just pretend that I didn't write it down).

He is move on and I should do the same damn thing. No more hiding in somewhere else.

I am coming back home next week and soon I am gonna file for divorce.

Screw what other people think about my marriage life. I know what kinda marriage life I really want and so far my marriage life right now is so not what I have in mind.

So screw if other people think that I am getting divorce because he is having a child from some stupid whore, because he isn't happy with me, because I can't give him a baby, because I can't be the wife that he have in mind, because he got broke (jobless right now). 
Screw that. Screw whatever they have in mind about my life.

I don't have to explain myself every time when  someone else start asking where your husband (soon to be ex husband), why the two of you aren't together again, why can you just forgive him.

Screw whatever opinion they have in their tinny little brain (if they have one though).

As for now, all that I care is that I live my life to the fullest with all of my best friend and my family.

I couldn't care less with other might think of me.

It's my life so I am gonna live with my very own decision every step of the way.

I ain't gonna sugarcoat my life in front of everyone but I ain't gonna tell them the whole detail why I am taking this kinda decision or the whole kinda story.

Saturday, January 09, 2016

No more cry

If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah what do I care
If they believe me or not
 
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry? 
Cry

I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away
Is it over yet?
 
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Cry

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NO MORE CRY

I am done torture myself like this. This kinda thing I did to myself wasn't healthy and will make me sick eventually.

I am done grieving for you. My body doesn't deserve to be treated like this. 
No more laying in bed all day long, no more trying not to eat anything in days, no more spending a day in home without wanting to do absolutely nothing.

Yeah I need to stop doing things like this.

If he can move on that kinda fast, having a baby girl as soon as possible, found the woman that he truly love (gosh i just pretend that I didn't write it down).

He is move on and I should do the same damn thing. No more hiding in somewhere else.

I am coming back home next week and soon I am gonna file for divorce.

Screw what other people think about my marriage life.

I know what kinda marriage life I really want and so far my marriage life right now is so not what I have in mind.

So screw if other people think that I am getting divorce because he is having a child from some stupid whore, because he isn't happy with me, because I can't give him a baby, because I can't be the wife that he have in mind, because he got broke (jobless right now). 
Screw that. Screw whatever they have in mind about my life.

I don't have to explain myself every time when  someone else start asking where your husband (soon to be ex husband), why the two of you aren't together again, why can you just forgive him.

Screw whatever opinion they have in their tinny little brain (if they have one though).

As for now, all that I care is that I live my life to the fullest with all of my best friend and my family.

I couldn't care less with other might think of me.

It's my life so I am gonna live with my very own decision every step of the way.

I ain't gonna sugarcoat my life in front of everyone but I ain't gonna tell them the whole detail why I am taking this kinda decision or the whole kinda story.

I am done for love, marriage, guys. 

So yeah I am a lady who doesn't believe about love, marriage, guy. Judge me all you want like I would give a damn about it.

So for everyone who's overly concerned and so damn kepo too much about my life lately, well all I can said its this : back the hell up dude, just live your life or is your life became so damn blah and boring.

Gosh I need to sleep right now

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

It's should have been me all along

Damn right

It's should have been me all along.

It's should have been me who got pregnant.

It's should have been me who carried your kid in my belly.

It's should have been me all along.

I don't know what happening with me lately. My eyes tend to get wets when the I see a happy couple (husband and wife), a pregnant woman with a caring husband, a baby

Gosh i am such a whinny. It's not because I regret the decision about my marriage. Because I ain't regret the decisions whatsoever.

I am just a normal human being who might have overly sensitive about my emotion. I tend to get emotional about what happens lately.

I know exactly what happens with my emotions when my sister in law told me the good news that she is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong because that is a good news for both of them and my family. But I was disappointed because I kinda wish that I should have pregnant.

Who am I kidding expect that finally I am pregnant. Because what happen in the last year I should have lower my expectations.

I should be grateful because I ain't pregnant because if i am pregnant, I ain't sure about my last decision.

I should be grateful because I finally can made up my mind and make that important decision.

Only Allah Swt know how hard I try to look so damn strong in front everyone. 

How I manage to put a big fat smile, kept telling everyone around me that I am alright with everything that happens lately.

How I manage to look so damn excited and happy all the time even though I am scatter inside. 

My heart was torn in a million pieces.

How I manage to do my everyday routine well enough in case anyone was worrying about me.

How I hate to pretend to be alright with this shitty situation, hoping this is just some kinda nightmare and I would wake up anytime.

For the record, I ain't gonna back down from the decision I made earlier.

I am just carried away with the situation.

Bismillah ;)