Saturday, 31 December 2016

Good Bye 2016

Good Bye 2016

A lot of things happen in 2016. It's been hell of ride for year 2016

Well there's so much thing happening in 2016. Experience the whole package thing when you thought that you already have everything in your life. When you think that your life are perfect and all but it's just another stupid show called fake and it's just staged out for someone benefit.

The whole package which make you feel everything from things like : 
  • Numbness because you can't feeling anything not even happiness or sadness 
  • Start to look everything differently from new perspective
  • Trust hunch or instinct when you've sense something wrong it's happening in your life
  • Differentiate which one a real friend and which one isn't your friend
  • Accept the fact that not everyone else around you are your real friend
  • Love can't always conquer everything in real life 
  • Someone you love dearly might not having same vision about life 
  • Heartbreaking moment that keep repeating every single day
  • Painful enough realized that your life become horrific nightmare
  • Good bye not always that bad. Good bye sometime could means brand new journey awaits for you
  • Better to get out from shabby, inclement and wretched relationship instead of staying just because you've care more about other people opinion rather than your own happiness
  • Glad knowing that you will always have some group full of people whom you call best friend for life that will always be there for you
  • Sometimes best experience about loyalty is when someone stand beside you even the situation are wretched and nothing seems work well 
  • Over time people will change. Sadly enough when your best friend become stranger and distant
  • Sometimes people surprise you. As easily best friend become stranger and it's sure easily that stranger become best friend for life.
  • Betrayal are painful enough and can change optimistic person turn into pessimistic person in a day
  • When you've got betrayal by someone you's least expected and dearly, you've lost trust and faith for everyone who genuinely wants the best thing for you. 
  • Don't bother to look out for someone who doesn't really care about you
  • Stop being so hard on yourself and don't blame yourself for whatever happen in your life
  • Starting all over again can be frightening and scary. Prepare yourself for your next wonderful journey
  • Excruciating, surprising, life changing, friendship, roller coaster emotional  experience
So GOOD BYE 2016. Thank You For all the lesson 


Saturday, 10 December 2016

Time to Move on

Damn right it's about time to move on

It's almost 7 month since the judge verdict that says my marriage are over for good. 

Already done mostly all the mourn moment like these thing (had to admit that itsn't my best moment)
  • Don't know exactly how many night I've cried myself until i sleep
  • Hard enough to put a big fat smile in my face after that hurricane storm in my life
  • Hard enough just to wake up every morning and had to pretend that i am still curious and excited about what the future holds for me
  • Hard to pretend that hurricane storm never bother me in anymore
  • Hard enough to pretend in front of everyone who know me that i am totally fine and already get over it
  • Hard enough for me to put a big fat smile in my face every damn time i am around them (family and best friend) simply because i don't want them to feel sorry or worry about me anymore
  • Desperately trying to hide the fact that i don't have any desire left to fulfill all of my dream comes true
  • Simple thing like get out of bed or get out of the house just doesn't interested me anymore 
  • I love food badly but right now all my favorite food are plain and bored. Basically i just lost interest and appetite on food (sometimes i skip breakfast,lunch and dinner). 
  • Suddenly going out from home is a torture and can't wait go back home just to stay in my room
  • Lock myself in rooms for unlimited days
  • Don't interested anymore about socialized with new people because i don't want them to felt sorry about my condition
  • Feeling bitter about life mostly about love, relationship and marriage kinda stuff
  • Felt like damaged good
  • Start to hate myself more than before
  • Being too damn careful when someone new show interest on me
  • I made a vow about being single for life
  • Social event is just too stressful because i don't want anyone to ask the unnecessary question 
  • Felt lonely even when i am in the most crowded place in earth
  • Felt that i wasn't good enough for anyone and i don't deserve to be happy

It's already 7 month and it's about time to MOVE ON

Stop overthinking and regret about the past because there's nothing i can do to change the past



Sunday, 21 August 2016

Not For Me

I was looking for something
On the crime scene where you're in too deep 
I found a note with this number 
It's just another clue(it leads to you) 
I got a little suspicious, I got a feeling 
That you ain't true to me 
I should have known better than to buy your lies

You can fool anyone but I got eyes to see 
That you're not for me, babe

No No Uh uh 
Things will never be the same again with you 
No No Uh uh 
Now I know what it's coming to 
No No Uh uh 
Cause if you think that it's the way that love, should be
Let me tell you it's not for me

I don't want to be on, your screenplay 
Just tell me did you rehearse on me? 
I'll give you the story 
Baby, whose to win? Me or him?
Caught in the middle 
And I'm tired of your games of Hide and Seek
I'm getting the feeling that it's time for me to leave

You can fool anyone but I got eyes to see 
That you're not for me, baby

No No Uh uh (yeah yeah) 
Things will never be the same again with you
No No Uh uh(Oh) 
Now I know what it's coming to 
No No Uh uh (yeah-eah) 
Cause if you think that it's the way that love, should be 
Let me tell you it's not for me

Yeah, yeah 
I said no, no 
No way 
No no, No no 

I had enough of your talk, your games 
And it won't go away (won't go away) 
Justify my reasons to stay ( stay, reasons to stay)

No no uh uh 
Let me hear you say No no 
No no uh uh 
No no, let me tell you it's not for me 
No no uh uh 
Cause if you think that it's the way that love should be 
Well let me tell you it's not for me

No No Uh uh (whoo)
Things will never be the same again with you 
No No Uh uh(baby) 
Now I know what it's coming to
No No Uh uh (yeah-eah) 
Cause if you think that it's the way that love, should be
Well me tell you it's not for me

I guess its too early to start all over again.The whole things about relationship wasn't for me.

Should've believe what my heart told me. It's too early to start a new relationship. 

I know and realized that i am the type who can't be alone without having someone beside me.

I am just trying to act tough, brave, pretend that i don't need someone beside me.

I keep repeating the magic word : I don't need man or commitment right now. what i really need right now are me time and lots of work time. It's time for me to work more harder than before. It's not the right time for having a man in my life. Now it's time for me times, family, work and friends.

But I've known better than that. I know and realized that i am desperately need someone beside me for everything. I need that special someone in my life to share everything from feeling, dream, goals and lots of things

But i guess that special someone still out there.

I don't complain about my condition right now and everything that happening in my life recently 

Sometimes i just miss having special someone whose gonna be there for me support every wild crazy dream i have, share every story or even daily stories with (no matter how silly or unimportant those stories), share the darkest secret in our past life, together doing the very best to fulfill our dream and having our little family.

Whenever i saw a young couple with their kids or happy couple whose expecting their children, i was a little jealous. Not jealous because their happiness but more likely jealous, anxious, guessing when will i have all of those.

Having my own little family just for myself. Having my husband and adorable little kids (probably two or three adorable and cute kids).

Until the times come, i am gonna wait patiently while doing the very best i can not to screw things up for the second time.

I am gonna make things right this time and won't let my heart do the same mistakes in the past

Until then its time for Me times, Family, Best friends, Work and having a little fun (I'll make sure nobody are hurts when i am having a little fun) 

Thursday, 14 July 2016



I guess these day people are easy to said those thing like i like you, i miss you, i love you things.

What happen to the good old days? 

What happens to get to know each other first, a little chit chat and then when both parties having the same spark decides to be more than just a friends

I guess that simple thing doesn't exist anymore

Nowadays they just want to be in a relationship before getting to know each other better. 

I mean how can you know someone in just day or even less than months.

Maybe i was asking too much or perhaps i am not used to all of this.

I mean after whats the worst nightmare in my life, it's obviously that i have become a cynical, bitter when its comes to love.

Yeah well i didn't write in my blog just for fun or want to have an unnecessary attention from people.

For me those word like : i like you, i love you, i miss you are a sacred word and because of that, all those word only comes from me when i really feel the emotion. 

Still doesn't make sense how can you said those thing and even said something like i would convert to Islam though. 

Well hate to being the bad girl for saying this : i am really really sorry for not believing every sweet word or promise thing. Don't take it personally because it's not your fault. I just wasn't believe about love anymore.

Right now the last thing in my mind are having a new relationship

Right now all i want to do are work and enjoy my life without relationship drama. 

Sunday, 10 July 2016

Falling in Love

Falling in love

Everyone in the world would probably experience fall in love

Fall in love are the greatest feeling in the world and it was fantastic when you're with Mr/Mrs Right but falling in love will be a nightmare comes in life when you're with Mr/Mrs Wrong

Fall in love is like a ghost because everyone talk about it most of the time but only a few people have seen it

Fall in love is when you're willing to fight against the world just to be with the one you're love.

Fall in love is when you're willing to put that person first before putting yourself

Fall in love is when you're willing to give up everything you have to be that person

Fall in love is when their smile and happiness means the world and everything to you

Fall in love is when their happiness means everything for you and you're willing to do everything to make them happy

Fall in love is when their sadness becomes a nightmare and you're willing to do everything to put a big fat smile on their face

Fall in love is when you're eagerly want to spend all the times to be with them and nothing will comes between you and them

Fall in love is like a diet pill because you have to decrease the amount of love but you still want to have the healthy love. (it's the worst definition of love)

Fall in love is like having your favorite food because you can eat your favorite food everyday and never get sick of it

That's my definition for falling in love. What's your definition for falling in love?

Monday, 6 June 2016

Lose To Win

Ever felt so ugly, pretending that he loves me
Sometimes it’s just not money never had to afford me
Now I’m sick and tired of you just taking right off
Knowing I'd forgive you
You ain’t here for dinner
Like I’m a beginner,
I loved you for your inner, inner, inner
And the next guy is out there somewhere,
But you won't dare 'cause you’re too scared
Have you ever needed someone so bad
But he ain’t willing to make it last?
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
If it makes you cry, cry, cry
And all you do is fight
Can’t get no sleep at night
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
Ever felt this sorry? All you did was worry
You didn’t want nobody, thought it would get better
But it’s falling more than
Oh it’s falling more than ever
I just hoped that we would
Cause you’re always up to no good
Maybe it’ll take someone else, to show me better
But I don’t wanna leave ya
Oh, yeah.
Have you ever needed someone so bad
But he ain’t willing to make it last?
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
If it makes you cry, cry, cry
And all you do is fight
Can’t get no sleep at night
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.
Some of you know what it feels like
Caught up just in his life
Don’t wanna try again, thinking what’s the difference?
Why am I not interested?
Cause when you’ve been broken, you feel like no one can fix it
Have you ever needed someone so bad (needed someone so bad)
But he ain’t willing to make it last (whoa, yeah)?
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again (win again, oh and if it makes you cry)
If it makes you cry, cry, cry (cause all you do is fight)
All you do is fight
Can you not sleep at night (sometimes you gotta)
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again. (gotta lose, yeah yeah)
(Oh, oh, whoa)
(Oh, sometimes you got to lose, you got to lose, to win again, yeah)
Have you ever needed someone so bad? (have you ever?)
(so bad yeah)
To make it last
Sometimes you gotta lose to win again (Sometimes you gotta lose to win again)

We doesn't always have what we want in life. 

Sometimes we can't have what we always wanted have. 

Sometimes or countless time we think that why we can't have the life like everyone else had.

Sometimes we had to lose something in life because you couldn't bare the pain to felt that pain everyday and you still have to put a big smile to everyone because you don't want them to pity you.

Sometimes being a loser aren't that bad at all. Being loser doesn't always mean that you're weak

Lose doesn't always mean that you're not strong enough to fight.

Lose mean that you're understand enough that there's one battle isn't worth the fight anymore

Lose mean that you're understand enough that something not worth your time

Lose doesn't mean that you're lost a pride, dignity or even ego, it just means that you know damn well better to walk out from fight knowing that you already did the very best to fight and its better to leave with head up while you're can. 

There's no winning or lose in life because life isn't a game either a competition. 

Life are full with fighting combat that we need to deal everyday for the rest of our life. 

We know damn well that we've done the very best to fight that damn battle to the point that we've realize that the fight wasn't worth the time and sacrifice we've made

So even after the whole sacrifice (either time, mind, energy, heart and soul) that we've made to fight this damn battle but somehow it never work out like we've wanted.

So why even bother to stay in those battle just because we can't stand what people might think and judge about us.

Here's some tips : People will always think, judge and comment about our life. either its a good thing or a bad thing. 

So why bother thinking about what society or people think that limited us to do whatever makes us happy

We don't need to explain whats been happening to our life to people out there because if they think that you're wrong its useless to explain it to them to  make them think that you're doing the right thing.

"Never explain yourself to anyone, because the one who like you wouldn't need it and the one dislike you wouldn't believe it" (Ali Bin Abi Thalib)

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Officially divorce

It's official I am divorced.

30 May 2016,  the verdict already decide that my marriage are officially over.

I don't know how I felt exactly that day but I do remember crying during trial and when judge officially declared that my marriage are over as per today.

Honestly I don't have any kind of feeling for an asshole that I used to call my husband but I felt relieved because now I know where I stand, my status and everything.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future or with whom I am gonna spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want to overthink about everything or anything.

Alhamdulillah it's over.

Alhamdulillah my divorce process are easy and fast.

Right now I am just gonna enjoy my life with all my best friend, family and work.

It's about time I had to focus about my own life.