Demotion Effect

After the unnecessary drama with Mom on Wednesday (25 August 2021), I found myself spiraling. By Thursday night (26 August 2021), my brain decided to stir the pot and serve a fresh plate of insecurity.

I asked him—my kind, drop-dead gorgeous fiancé—whether he’s ever thought anything negative about me.

He looked confused, didn’t press. 

He knows me well enough to wait for the storm to pass before asking questions.

It got awkward—because of me. 

So I lied. 

Told him I wanted to sleep early. 

Truth is, I stayed up overthinking until 3 a.m.

Honestly, I’ve been haunted by this terrible thought: What if he thinks I’m only with him because of money?

It’s not true—God knows it’s not.

I love him. Deeply. Sincerely. 

But my brain is on overdrive, setting fire to bridges I haven’t even crossed.

I feel like I’m sabotaging something good. 

The one thing in my life that actually works, and I’m slowly poisoning it with my own fears.

Nendrong talked me off the ledge.

She told me, “He’s not thinking that. He’s sincere, and you know it. This is your insecurity talking.”

And she’s right.

He’s always shown up for me, no questions asked. 

He once said, “Leave your problems to the world. I am your world.”

And I believed him.

I still do.

But my demons are loud, and lately, they’ve been screaming.

Maybe it’s the demotion.

Maybe it’s Mom.

Maybe it’s the years of trying to hold everything together while I fall apart in silence.

Divorced. Almost 40. No kids. Parents divorced. Demoted. Still stuck in a job that doesn’t value me.

It’s a messy resume of life, and the only solid thing I have is my relationship.

And yet... I doubt that too.

What if one day he wakes up and realizes I’m not the one?

What if I’m just not enough?

Nendrong snapped me out of it again.

“Don’t ruin your happiness with negativity,” she said.

“You got lucky in love—that’s rare. Be grateful. Some of us would trade everything for a relationship like yours.”

She’s right.

I need to stop playing victim in a life that’s still writing its story.

So today, I’m writing this down to remind myself: I need a distraction.

Not to forget—but to refocus.

To take care of my mind before it ruins something beautiful.

Because right now?

My relationship is the only thing keeping me sane.

And I’ll be damned if I let my own thoughts take that away from me.