It's should had been me all along

Damn Right

It should have been me all along.

It should’ve been me who got pregnant.

Me who carried your child.

Me who felt life growing inside me.

It should’ve been me.

Lately, I don’t even recognize myself.

My eyes tear up every time I see a happy couple— A husband kissing his pregnant wife’s forehead, A baby being held with so much love.

And I hate it.

I hate how it breaks me inside.

God, I sound so damn whiny.

But it’s not because I regret the decisions I made.

No— I don’t regret walking away from that marriage.

Not one bit.

I’m just human.

A woman who feels deeply.

Maybe too deeply.

A little too raw, too cracked open by it all.

When my sister-in-law told me the news— That she’s expecting—
I smiled.

I really did.

It is good news. 

For her. 

For the family.

But deep inside, I felt this sudden sting.

Like a tiny voice whispering: “That should’ve been you.”

But who am I kidding? 

After everything that happened,

After all the silent wars and sleepless nights,

I know better than to wish for that kind of future now.

And truth is— I should be grateful.

Grateful I’m not pregnant.

Because if I were, Maybe I wouldn’t have had the strength to finally walk away.

Maybe I’d still be stuck, half-living in a half-love.

Alhamdulillah.

I made the decision.

I chose peace over pretending.

And only Allah SWT knows how hard it’s been.

How many times I’ve forced a smile,

Laughed like I wasn’t breaking,

Told people, “I’m fine,” When I felt like screaming.

How I go through my daily routine like clockwork, So no one starts to worry.

How I fake excitement, Fake joy, Fake strength.

All while my heart is a mess of broken glass.

I hate this act.

I hate pretending I’m okay.

Hoping this is just some cruel dream

And any second now, I’ll wake up in a world where none of this happened.

But let me be clear:

I’m not backing down.

I’m not undoing the decision I made.

I’m just caught in a moment.

A wave of emotion.

A quiet storm.

And that’s okay.

Bismillah.

I’ll walk through it.

One step at a time.

Adios Amigo

What’s Done Is Done

There’s no turning back now.

I’ve made the hardest decision of my life: I’m done with the way he treated our marriage.

I gave him time—so much time— Hoping he’d come around.

Hoping he’d finally focus on us.

On this marriage.

Instead, he spent that time fooling around With some random girl And got her pregnant.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that What’s done can’t be undone.

That chapter is closed.

For good.

But clearly, he didn’t take me seriously.

He thought he could keep pushing boundaries.

He thought I’d just keep forgiving.

He took my forgiveness for granted.

And then he crossed the line.

The one line you never come back from.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

From August 2014 to December 2015— It’s been nothing but chaos.

Black magic.

Affairs.

One bimbo after another.

And then he gets her pregnant?

By October 2015, he had already cut me off.

Stopped calling.

Stopped checking in.

Stopped being a husband.

He left me completely in the dark.

No communication.

No responsibilities.

Nothing.

And still—still—I tried to give him a second chance.

And again, he threw it away.

We’re technically still married, But we don’t even speak about the one thing that matters: Our marriage.

Well, I know exactly what I need to do now.

I’ve got my list.

My direction.

My peace.

And no—there will be no third chance.

I’m done.

So, good luck with your new life.

Truly—I wish you the best.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in your new family.

But as for me?

Just leave me the fuck alone.

Goodbye for good ;)

So This Is How It Ends

Who would’ve thought…

After all these years we spent together,

The day I feared the most has finally come.

The nightmare is no longer just in my head— It’s real.

It’s happening.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

I should’ve seen the signs.

Read between the lines.

Where the hell was my consciousness all these years?

I underestimated everything.

I thought the problems had been dealt with— But clearly, I was wrong.

Well, you know what? 

Enough is enough.

I was wrong about you.

And the people who warned me about you?

They were right.

I never imagined something like this could happen to me— Especially knowing what happened in your own family.

I thought you would never become that guy.

But you did.

You crossed the line.

And I’m telling you now:

Get the hell out of my life.

I’ve had enough of your lies, your secrets, And your behavior behind my back.

I was foolish enough to hope You’d change back into the man I once fell for— The man I used to admire and love.

But you blew your second chance.

And there won’t be a third.

So goodbye.

I genuinely hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for with her. ;)

P.S.

You owe me at least this much— Make this easier.

I said it before and I meant it:

If you ever found someone else, I wouldn’t make you choose.

I’m choosing for you. I’m walking away.

See you in court.

Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah…

I whisper it between broken breaths. 

I should have known— The signs were never truly hidden, only buried beneath my hope.

I walked with eyes half-closed, believing in change that never came,  trusting in love that lost its way.

Ya Allah, how did I not see?

Now I stand— shocked, still, with silence louder than a scream.

I don’t know how to carry this pain, don’t know how to hold myself when everything I believed is falling apart.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabb…

You are the Turner of Hearts, the Knower of all secrets.

Strengthen me when I feel weak.

Heal me where no one else can see.

Wrap me in Your mercy, when this world feels too heavy to bear.

Guide me out of this storm and lead me back to peace.

Ameen.