Move on, you must ;)

It’s been a month since that nightmare started. 

Honestly, I thought it wouldn’t affect me anymore.

But here I am, realizing I’m not immune to the aftermath.

For all I know, I don’t have any feelings left for him—just numbness, emptiness, and all that pain.

Tears? 

Yeah, they’re still there, but not for him or the marriage (or what’s left of it).

I feel disappointed—at the situation, and maybe at myself too.

But I’m done blaming. Done dwelling.

I wish I had seen from the start who he really was. 

I wish I hadn’t put him on a pedestal.

But I’m done being a victim.

Right now, I’m feeling disappointed, numb, angry, sad, betrayed, humiliated, useless, unwanted, hopeless.

But that’s just the dark before the dawn.

How I wish I could disappear—but instead, I’m here. I’m still standing.

How I wish I could go back in time—but what’s done is done.

Ya Allah, please help me release this anger, this sadness, this betrayal.

Help me find strength in this storm.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know one thing:

I’m not defined by this pain.

A new relationship isn’t on my mind right now, and that’s okay.

For now, I’m choosing to focus on me—on healing, on growing, on becoming stronger.

I might be single for a while. That’s not a weakness—it’s my power.

Less drama. Less chaos. No one can hurt me again because I’m learning to protect my heart.

This is not the end of my story—it’s the start of my comeback.

Watch me rise.

Close Chapter

Yes, I should have done this earlier, but it’s never too late to start now.

The last couple of years have been really hard for me. 

I still remember all the details—mostly the dark, depressing moments.

Right now, I don’t want to overthink or overanalyze why this happened to me.

I’ve already chosen to close that chapter, and I feel relieved because of it.

All those dark episodes in my life—like how we met, became friends, fell in love, and even talked about spending the rest of our lives together—have to be forgotten.

Right now, I don’t remember anything about us.

Ever since I found out how easily you threw me away and replaced me with some stupid girls, I did the same—even though I haven’t found your replacement yet.

Don’t ever get the impression that you’re irreplaceable, because you’re absolutely replaceable.

I’m going to enjoy my time focusing on myself, chasing my dreams, and being surrounded by family and friends.

I might have found someone who could replace you for good, but I’m taking my time this time—I won’t settle for less than I deserve.

I won’t make the same mistake I did when I met you and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with you.

Right now, I’m just going to enjoy every damn moment I have with him.

No hard feelings—but please, stay out of my life.

I HATE YOU

Oh yes, I did.

I truly hated you—once upon a time when I still trusted you, right from the very start.

What a charming piece you turned out to be.

And here I am, still amazed at how easily I fell for your grand performance—those sweet words, those empty promises of change.

Promises that you’d “find yourself” and fix the mess you created.

You swore you’d never become one of those assholes.

I really believed you were different.

How naive of me.

You’ve shown me you’re exactly the same as all the rest.

Congratulations on proving everyone right—from the very beginning.

I should’ve never trusted you.

I should’ve stopped spending countless nights crying over someone so undeserving.

I should’ve stopped wondering what crime I committed to earn such treatment.

But no, I’m not begging you to stay.

You made your choice. 

And I won’t beg anyone for anything—not even you.

Remember my words, if you find someone new to replace me, I’ll simply walk away... quietly and for good.

I hope you both enjoy the show.

One day, perhaps, you’ll realize what you left behind—and regret it.

But until then, enjoy the ride, darling.

Goodbye, and don’t let the door hit you where the sun doesn’t shine.

Closed Book

Close the Book

And no, don’t take it literally.

It’s been one hell of a couple of years—August 2014 until January 2016.

So much has happened during those years.

Nightmare after nightmare. Affair after affair. Betrayal.

Maybe I should have seen it coming from the start.

Maybe I should have guessed.

But I was clueless.

All my fears, all my nightmares—they came true.

Everything I never imagined possible suddenly became my reality.

It’s all happened now. And no matter how hard I try to erase it from my mind, it lingers.

I’ve learned not to blame myself.

Thousands of “what ifs” and endless questions flood my thoughts.

I wish there was a technology that could erase this madness from my memory.

I do believe, though, that what you give—good or bad—comes back to you.

What goes around, comes around.

Well, that’s it, I guess.

Bismillah.

Close the book.

:)

Fresh Start

FRESH START

From this moment, I turn the page—  No longer bound to the shadows of yesterday.

No more tears to stain the night, No regrets to weigh my heart tight.

No silent cries beneath the moon’s soft glow, Only strength in the steps I now choose to show.

Bismillah— With every breath, I rise anew, Walking tall, with a soul renewed.

Bismillah.

Go the hell

Starting today, you are dead to me.

Not with a shout, but a silent severing— like a door quietly closing on a long, bitter chapter.

You have become a shadow, a name I no longer speak aloud.

You are nobody now— just a ghost fading into the distance, unworthy of the light I seek.

Do not show your face again— not before me, nor before those I cherish.

Stay far away, buried beneath the weight of your own choices, where your poison can no longer touch me.

If by some cruel fate we cross paths, may you quietly regret the day you ever entered my world— For I will not curse you;

I have no energy left for such fire.

I once believed in you— held you high like a fragile flame.

But that flame burned down to ash, and I was left in the cold.

They were right all along, and I was foolish to hope.

You and your shadows belong to a place I will never return to. 

So I close the book on us— not with rage, but with a weary grace.

I won’t waste harsh words on those who are lost, only a quiet farewell whispered into the wind.

Alhamdulillah—for the strength to walk away, for the courage to seek peace beyond the pain.

Revenge? I have no time for such chains. 

I leave that to karma’s hands— silent, patient, and certain.

Goodbye—for good. 

No hatred.

No more tears.

Just a slow, steady turning away from what once was.

I am done

I’m done torturing myself like this.

This self-inflicted grief—it’s not noble, it’s not healing.

It’s slow poison.

I’ve grieved long enough for someone who didn’t stay.

My body, my soul—they don’t deserve this neglect.

No more lying in bed for days, no more starving myself out of sadness,

no more letting the silence of this house drown me.

Enough.

If he can move on in the blink of an eye— find someone new, build a future, name a child— then so can I.

(And no, I won’t pretend that sentence didn’t ache to write.)

He moved on.

And I’m done hiding in the wreckage.

Next week, I’m coming home.

And I’m filing for divorce.

Let the whispers begin.

Let the neighbors talk.

Let them invent their stories, tie their assumptions like ribbons around a truth they’ll never know.

I know the kind of marriage I dreamed of— and this... this isn’t it. 

This was never it.

So screw the narratives:

“She left because he had a child with someone else.”

“Because she couldn’t give him one.”

“Because he was broke.”

“Because she wasn’t the wife he needed.”

Let them talk.

Let them fill their tiny minds with whatever version makes them feel better.

I’m not here to explain myself.

Not anymore.

Not to anyone.

No more answering to strangers who ask,

“Where is your husband?”

“Why aren’t you two together?”

“Why can’t you just forgive him?”

My peace is not up for debate.

From now on, I’ll live my life— loudly, quietly, joyfully, messily—
with the people who see me, love me, stand beside me.

I won’t sugarcoat my life.

But I won’t hand it to the world on a platter, either.

This is my story.

And I’ll write it how I damn well please.

No more cry

NO MORE CRY

If anyone asks,

I’ll just say we grew apart.

And I won’t care whether they believe it or not.

They weren’t there.

They didn’t see the slow burn, the quiet breaking.

When your memory claws at my chest, I’ll smile through it.

Pretend I’m fine.

Act like I’m not bleeding inside.

Because honestly?

I’m tired of breaking for someone who’s already moved on.

So yeah— No more cry.

No more self-torture dressed as loyalty.

What I’ve been doing to myself—it’s not grief, it’s slow suicide.

This sadness I carry around like a blanket?

Heavy. 

Suffocating. 

Poisonous.

And I’m done letting it sink into my skin.

I’m done grieving for someone who didn’t grieve for me.

Done lying in bed for days like a ghost.

Done starving myself like pain makes me holy.

Done letting silence win.

Because if he can move on that fast— Have a baby girl, find “the one,” start his shiny new life— Then I can damn well move on too.

No more hiding. 

No more disappearing.

I’m going home next week.

And I’m filing for divorce.

Let people talk.

Let them whisper about my broken marriage like it’s gossip candy.

I know what kind of love I deserve.

And it’s not this shattered shell of a life.

So if they think I’m leaving because he got another woman pregnant,
because he’s jobless,

because I “couldn’t give him a baby,”

because I “wasn’t enough”—

Let them.

Screw it. Screw them.

I’m done performing grief for people who think pain is entertainment.

I don’t owe anyone my story.

Not the full version.

Not even the polite version.

I won’t explain myself anymore.

No more fake smiles at family gatherings.

No more dodging questions like “Where’s your husband?”

No more pretending I’m okay with being betrayed.

Their opinions?

Fit in the palm of my hand.

Small. 

Powerless. 

Disposable.

All I care about now— Is living.

Fully.

Loudly.

With my friends. 

With my family. 

With what’s left of my soft heart.

No more bending for tradition.

No more sugarcoating.

And love?

Marriage?

Men?

I’m done.

Judge me if you want.

Think I’m bitter.

Call me cold.

Whisper that I’ve “changed.”

Like I care.

To everyone who’s suddenly so damn invested in my life— Here’s a newsflash:

Back. The hell. Up.

Go live your own life, if it’s not too boring for you.

Mine’s not yours to dissect.

And now?

I’m going to sleep.

With peace, finally.

Without you haunting my dreams.

It's should had been me all along

Damn Right

It should have been me all along.

It should’ve been me who got pregnant.

Me who carried your child.

Me who felt life growing inside me.

It should’ve been me.

Lately, I don’t even recognize myself.

My eyes tear up every time I see a happy couple— A husband kissing his pregnant wife’s forehead, A baby being held with so much love.

And I hate it.

I hate how it breaks me inside.

God, I sound so damn whiny.

But it’s not because I regret the decisions I made.

No— I don’t regret walking away from that marriage.

Not one bit.

I’m just human.

A woman who feels deeply.

Maybe too deeply.

A little too raw, too cracked open by it all.

When my sister-in-law told me the news— That she’s expecting—
I smiled.

I really did.

It is good news. 

For her. 

For the family.

But deep inside, I felt this sudden sting.

Like a tiny voice whispering: “That should’ve been you.”

But who am I kidding? 

After everything that happened,

After all the silent wars and sleepless nights,

I know better than to wish for that kind of future now.

And truth is— I should be grateful.

Grateful I’m not pregnant.

Because if I were, Maybe I wouldn’t have had the strength to finally walk away.

Maybe I’d still be stuck, half-living in a half-love.

Alhamdulillah.

I made the decision.

I chose peace over pretending.

And only Allah SWT knows how hard it’s been.

How many times I’ve forced a smile,

Laughed like I wasn’t breaking,

Told people, “I’m fine,” When I felt like screaming.

How I go through my daily routine like clockwork, So no one starts to worry.

How I fake excitement, Fake joy, Fake strength.

All while my heart is a mess of broken glass.

I hate this act.

I hate pretending I’m okay.

Hoping this is just some cruel dream

And any second now, I’ll wake up in a world where none of this happened.

But let me be clear:

I’m not backing down.

I’m not undoing the decision I made.

I’m just caught in a moment.

A wave of emotion.

A quiet storm.

And that’s okay.

Bismillah.

I’ll walk through it.

One step at a time.

Adios Amigo

What’s Done Is Done

There’s no turning back now.

I’ve made the hardest decision of my life: I’m done with the way he treated our marriage.

I gave him time—so much time— Hoping he’d come around.

Hoping he’d finally focus on us.

On this marriage.

Instead, he spent that time fooling around With some random girl And got her pregnant.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that What’s done can’t be undone.

That chapter is closed.

For good.

But clearly, he didn’t take me seriously.

He thought he could keep pushing boundaries.

He thought I’d just keep forgiving.

He took my forgiveness for granted.

And then he crossed the line.

The one line you never come back from.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

From August 2014 to December 2015— It’s been nothing but chaos.

Black magic.

Affairs.

One bimbo after another.

And then he gets her pregnant?

By October 2015, he had already cut me off.

Stopped calling.

Stopped checking in.

Stopped being a husband.

He left me completely in the dark.

No communication.

No responsibilities.

Nothing.

And still—still—I tried to give him a second chance.

And again, he threw it away.

We’re technically still married, But we don’t even speak about the one thing that matters: Our marriage.

Well, I know exactly what I need to do now.

I’ve got my list.

My direction.

My peace.

And no—there will be no third chance.

I’m done.

So, good luck with your new life.

Truly—I wish you the best.

I hope you find what you’re looking for in your new family.

But as for me?

Just leave me the fuck alone.

Goodbye for good ;)

So This Is How It Ends

Who would’ve thought…

After all these years we spent together,

The day I feared the most has finally come.

The nightmare is no longer just in my head— It’s real.

It’s happening.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

I should’ve seen the signs.

Read between the lines.

Where the hell was my consciousness all these years?

I underestimated everything.

I thought the problems had been dealt with— But clearly, I was wrong.

Well, you know what? 

Enough is enough.

I was wrong about you.

And the people who warned me about you?

They were right.

I never imagined something like this could happen to me— Especially knowing what happened in your own family.

I thought you would never become that guy.

But you did.

You crossed the line.

And I’m telling you now:

Get the hell out of my life.

I’ve had enough of your lies, your secrets, And your behavior behind my back.

I was foolish enough to hope You’d change back into the man I once fell for— The man I used to admire and love.

But you blew your second chance.

And there won’t be a third.

So goodbye.

I genuinely hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for with her. ;)

P.S.

You owe me at least this much— Make this easier.

I said it before and I meant it:

If you ever found someone else, I wouldn’t make you choose.

I’m choosing for you. I’m walking away.

See you in court.

Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah…

I whisper it between broken breaths. 

I should have known— The signs were never truly hidden, only buried beneath my hope.

I walked with eyes half-closed, believing in change that never came,  trusting in love that lost its way.

Ya Allah, how did I not see?

Now I stand— shocked, still, with silence louder than a scream.

I don’t know how to carry this pain, don’t know how to hold myself when everything I believed is falling apart.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabb…

You are the Turner of Hearts, the Knower of all secrets.

Strengthen me when I feel weak.

Heal me where no one else can see.

Wrap me in Your mercy, when this world feels too heavy to bear.

Guide me out of this storm and lead me back to peace.

Ameen.

I am done

I AM DONE.

Done trying to fix the mess— the chaos you created, the lies you wrapped in silence.

Done overthinking, wondering what went wrong when I was the only one holding on.

You’re not worth my time anymore.

Not my tears.

Not my patience.

Let’s be real—  there is no “us” anymore.

From this moment forward, I choose me.

I’ll live my life with purpose, with peace — without you.

And one day, when regret creeps in and you come crawling back, begging for what you once had…

I’ll smile— not in revenge, but in freedom.

Because I am done. And I mean it.

Bismillah.

Mimpi Buruk

I should’ve known.

Of course it would end like this. How silly of me to hope for more.

Speechless.

Astagfirullah. 

If love no longer lives in your heart, then let this sacred bond rot into dust.

Why hold on when I am no longer your queen, just a shadow you pretend not to see?

You're not the villain in this tale— oh no, you were simply consistent.

Lies came easy for you, and I?

I was the fool who swallowed them whole.

Thank you, truly.

For the pain, for the lessons, for the perfectly orchestrated heartbreak.

And now, goodbye.

Forever.

Alhamdulillah— Allah still loves me enough to pull me out before I drowned completely.

Bismillah.

Today, I begin again.

Erase me from your life—forever.

You were never a dream.

Just a beautifully wrapped nightmare

I was stupid enough to cherish.

Dear You

"How Love Dies Quietly"

How can someone love and loathe the same person in the same breath?

It’s madness, isn't it?

To go from “forever” to “whatever” in the blink of a lie.

From Ijab Kabul—a vow spoken in the presence of Allah, angels, and the living— 

To silence. 

To betrayal.

To a fool chasing shadows just to scratch an itch of curiosity, Unaware, or uncaring, that he is ripping his wife's soul apart, Thread by thread.

She tried—  God knows she did.

She stood by him when even her own blood turned their backs,  When the world whispered, “Leave him. He’s not worth it.”

She chose love over logic, loyalty over lectures.

But she is only human.

And even the strongest hearts break.

Especially when they break alone.

She hid her battles from her parents.

Smiled through her tears.

She leaned on her circle of light—

Her friends, her safe space—

The only warmth in her nights of frost.

And when the pain got too heavy, When home became a graveyard of memories, She left.

No drama. 

No loud goodbye.

Just… silence.

He didn’t chase.

Not at first.

And maybe that hurt the most.

But then, Like all guilty ghosts,

He returned.

Empty words. Empty eyes.

No apology, just promises soaked in déjà vu.

She gave in—again.

Because sometimes, We miss the idea of a person, More than the person himself.

He said he would change. 

He swore on every inch of her trust.

But monsters don't change.

They just learn how to hide better.

She caught him.

Again.

Different sins, same cycle.

He thought she wouldn’t notice.

He forgot she’d grown wise in war.

Now, she feels… nothing.

No more fire. No more storms.

Just... quiet.

Revenge crossed her mind.

Her friends said, “Do it.”

But when the chance came, She couldn’t.

She wouldn’t.

Because even in hell, She won’t burn herself just to prove a point.

But oh, she’s not blind.

She knows the whispers.

The judgement. The “you’re so stupid” glances.

She hears the laughter behind closed doors.

She sees the pity in their eyes.

She let those friends go.

The ones who threatened to leave if she stayed.

Let them keep their pride.

She has her own now.

And still, She wonders— Is this love?

Or just a habit too hard to break?

She forgives him.

Not because he deserves it,

But because she deserves peace.

And here’s what he doesn’t know:

She knows everything.

Every lie. 

Every message. 

Every late night he thought he got away with.

She’s still here… for now.

But this isn’t forever.

Not anymore.

So, darling— Decide. 

Me… or your cheap thrills?

But do it fast.

Because I won’t wait forever.

And when I’m gone…

Regret will be the only thing left keeping you warm.

Mohon yang terbaik menurutMu

Ya Allah

Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak kebaikan daripada mudharat, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, dekatkanlah kami berdua, mohon hilangkanlah segala permasalahan yang ada, mohon lembutkanlah hati kami berdua dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon hilangkan segala emosi negatif (amarah, dendam, sedih, duka), mohon tunjukkanlah dan berikanlah solusi dari semua permasalahan yang ada saat ini.

Ya Allah

Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak mudharat daripada kebaikan, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, mohon hilangkanlah segala rasa yang dahulu pernah ada, mohon lapangkanlah hati kami dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon tunjukkanlah inti dari permasalahan yang ada.

Aku memohon kemurahan hatiMu Ya Rabb

Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena Engkau maha mengetahui segala sesuatu baik yang tersirat maupun tersurat.

Jika hamba boleh meminta, hamba ingin pernikahan ini kembali utuh seperti sedia kala, tapi itu mungkin bukan yang terbaik menurutMu.

Ya Allah Ya Rabb

Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena insya allah itu yang terbaik untuk hamba meski belum tentu hamba menyukainya

Mohon PetunjukMu

Ya Allah

Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak kebaikan daripada mudharat, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, dekatkanlah kami berdua, mohon hilangkanlah segala permasalahan yang ada, mohon lembutkanlah hati kami berdua dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon hilangkan segala emosi negatif (amarah, dendam, sedih, duka), mohon tunjukkanlah dan berikanlah solusi dari semua permasalahan yang ada saat ini.

Ya Allah

Jika pernikahan kami ini lebih banyak mudharat daripada kebaikan, mohon berikanlah petunjukMu, mohon hilangkanlah segala rasa yang dahulu pernah ada, mohon lapangkanlah hati kami dan orang-orang di sekeliling kami, mohon tunjukkanlah inti dari permasalahan yang ada.

Aku memohon kemurahan hatiMu Ya Rabb

Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena Engkau maha mengetahui segala sesuatu baik yang tersirat maupun tersurat.

Jika hamba boleh meminta, hamba ingin pernikahan ini kembali utuh seperti sedia kala, tapi itu mungkin bukan yang terbaik menurutMu.

Ya Allah Ya Rabb

Mohon tunjukkanlah yang terbaik menurutMu karena insya allah itu yang terbaik untuk hamba meski belum tentu hamba menyukainya

My mistake

This was a huge mistake.

Unfortunately, this time, the mistake was mine.

I shared too much about my private life with someone I barely knew—someone who claimed to be a friend, even though we'd only just met. 

I realize now that I tend to trust people far too easily and often ignore the warning signs when someone isn’t truly a good friend.

And now? 

Reality has slapped me in the face.

Just when I finally found the solution I've been waiting for—something that could help with my marriage—they turned their backs on me.

They started trying to dictate my life, telling me who I should or shouldn’t be with.

They don’t understand that I already found my own clarity.

Yes, I’ll admit it: I still love him deeply. 

I’m genuinely considering giving him a second chance—not because I’m afraid of starting over or too lazy to find someone new—but because I see his efforts. 

I see the changes. 

He’s been showing me, little by little, that he’s becoming a better man.

They say he’ll never change.

But they don’t see what I see.

They weren’t there.

I was the one who spent five full days with him—just the two of us.

And during those days, I saw something real: growth.

A shift. A quiet effort.

So, tell me—why shouldn’t I give him a second chance?

It's Final

So it’s settled.

Tomorrow, or maybe the day after, I’ll walk away from this apartment
—and everything it holds.

I need silence.

Not the kind that echoes, but the kind that lets me bleed thoughts without interruption.

I need to sit with the ghosts of what we were, stare into the face of what we’ve become, and ask the future if there’s still room for me—without us.

This isn’t running.

This is choosing solitude over noise.

Clarity over chaos.

And maybe, just maybe, this is how I find myself again.

What are you waiting for

Come on, Bawel Pendiam —wake up.

What’s gotten into you?

If he still cared, he wouldn’t be tearing you apart like this.

Are you really going to sit around waiting for some divine epiphany to hit him?

Waiting for that tired apology, that recycled line: “Let’s start over again.”

Open your eyes— he’s already moved on.

He made his choice.

And somehow, it wasn’t you.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

How the one who made you believe in love again is the same one who broke it in your hands.

He was your happiness, your gravity, your entire orbit.

And now he’s just… gone.

So what are you still waiting for?

A miracle?

He’s just another foolish boy thinking he’ll find someone “better”— as if better than you even exists.

He thinks anyone who sides with you must be blind, must be bewitched,
must be wrong. 

And you?

Still here.

Still wondering.

Still aching.

Still calling it love.

But maybe it’s not love anymore.

Maybe it’s just habit.

Or a ghost.

Or a cruel trick your heart keeps playing on you.

Maybe we were never meant to grow old together.

Maybe silence is the only way to hear the truth.

Maybe solitude is where we begin to heal.

Maybe.

God, so many maybes.

But I’m done with maybe.

I’m done with love.

I’m done with waiting.

I’m done with him.

I’m just… done.