Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

This endless tragedy doesn’t seem to end anytime soon. 

It started back in August 2014 and continues to this day.

My marriage hit rock bottom then—countless affairs he had with different women, one of whom he has a child with and eventually married. 

He left behind a huge pile of debt with no intention of paying it off.

To make things even worse, yesterday I lost my laptop and some very important documents: our marriage certificates, my passport, and my CIMB bank account information.

All this happened when I was trying to ask him to pay off his debts.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Astagfirullah.

Have fun you ;)

Have fun on your holiday! ;)

Even though I know it’s going to be a long, boring week without talking to you, I really hope you have an amazing and awesome vacation.

We’ll talk more once you’re back.

I know it’s a little weird since we don’t even have a label for what we are, but honestly, I don’t like putting labels on things.

For now, I just want to enjoy everything that’s happening between us.

It’s so different with him.

We can talk about anything, feel comfortable around each other, accept each other’s flaws and dark sides.

The amazing thing is, he knows about my past and what I’ve been dealing with lately—and he doesn’t judge me or give me those looks like most guys I know.

I have a huge crush on him—and the best part is, the feeling is mutual.

Every time we talk, he makes me feel special.

He really knows how to make me smile and feel good about myself.

He knows exactly how to make those scary nightmares—bad images, bad memories, bad news—disappear and help me forget all that.

He’s the kind of man I’ve been searching for all along, and it feels like a miracle that I’ve finally met him.

He’s a true gentleman—sweet, damn good with words, respectful, knows how to treat a lady, compliments me just a little too much, romantic, handsome, great-looking, has a fantastic sense of humor, sexy, with a hot body and a little dark side that just makes him more attractive. 

He’s chirpy, very tall, and has a British accent.

Oh, and yes, there’s an 8-year age gap (he’s younger than me), which honestly feels like a bonus.

Well, that’s a lot of details about him!

It’s going to be a hell of a boring and dull week without talking to you.

Wishing you an amazing holiday, my sexy superman. ;)

Talk to you very soon.

I already miss you, charming guy. ;)

I had a crush on him

Yes, you heard that right.

Despite all the drama happening in my life right now, there is one good thing shining through.

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.

Right now, he is the cure for everything that’s been going on in my life lately.

He is the sunshine after the storm.

He is the water for my thirst.

He is the delicious food for my hunger.

He is the aspirin for my hangovers.

He is the medicine for my sickness.

My point is, he is the best thing in my life right now.

Even though I don’t know what “we” are, honestly, I don’t give a damn about labels.

Talking with him is so damn easy. 

We could talk for hours—like the other day, when we spoke for 7 hours straight.

Whenever we talk, we can talk about everything. 

He would never say or do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

Despite all our differences, he is a true gentleman.

He knows how to act like one. He knows how to treat and look after a woman.

For what it’s worth, I’m just enjoying whatever we have right now.

I always have a great time when I talk with him.

It feels like being a teenager with a crush for the first time—experiencing all the fun, exciting things that come with falling in love.

I think… I might have a crush on you.

Move on, you must ;)

It’s been a month since that nightmare started. 

Honestly, I thought it wouldn’t affect me anymore.

But here I am, realizing I’m not immune to the aftermath.

For all I know, I don’t have any feelings left for him—just numbness, emptiness, and all that pain.

Tears? 

Yeah, they’re still there, but not for him or the marriage (or what’s left of it).

I feel disappointed—at the situation, and maybe at myself too.

But I’m done blaming. Done dwelling.

I wish I had seen from the start who he really was. 

I wish I hadn’t put him on a pedestal.

But I’m done being a victim.

Right now, I’m feeling disappointed, numb, angry, sad, betrayed, humiliated, useless, unwanted, hopeless.

But that’s just the dark before the dawn.

How I wish I could disappear—but instead, I’m here. I’m still standing.

How I wish I could go back in time—but what’s done is done.

Ya Allah, please help me release this anger, this sadness, this betrayal.

Help me find strength in this storm.

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know one thing:

I’m not defined by this pain.

A new relationship isn’t on my mind right now, and that’s okay.

For now, I’m choosing to focus on me—on healing, on growing, on becoming stronger.

I might be single for a while. That’s not a weakness—it’s my power.

Less drama. Less chaos. No one can hurt me again because I’m learning to protect my heart.

This is not the end of my story—it’s the start of my comeback.

Watch me rise.