Nothing to See Here

Somewhere Between Fuck It and Fine. Today was quiet. Suspiciously quiet.

The kind of quiet where nothing looks particularly wrong from the outside, but internally you're standing in the middle of the room thinking:

Well. This is fucking interesting.

A few things happened. Nothing worth explaining. Nothing worth announcing.

Just enough to make me realize that sometimes life changes direction without bothering to send a calendar invitation first.

Very considerate.  😂

There are moments when you realize you're no longer waiting for something to happen.

You're waiting to see what happens after it happens.

And apparently that's a completely different kind of waiting. Less desperate.  

More observant. A little colder. Maybe wiser.  Maybe just tired.

Who knows.  

I spent a long time believing that if I understood everything, I'd finally feel okay.

Why this? Why now? Why me? Why didn't someone say something sooner?

Why didn't I see it? Why didn't they?

Why the fuck does life come with so many questions and absolutely no customer-service number?

Eventually, though, you get tired of interrogating the universe.

You put the questions down. You look at the mess.

And you say: Fine.

I'll deal with what is actually in front of me. Not what I wish it were.

Not what I hoped it would become. Not what somebody promised it would be.

Just... 

what it is.

And maybe that's where I'm changing. I'm learning that acceptance doesn't mean approval.

It doesn't mean forgiveness. It doesn't mean I suddenly understand everything.

Sometimes acceptance is simply: “Okay. I see it now.”

And once you see something clearly enough, you stop arguing with the evidence.

You just adjust your direction. Quietly.

Without a press conference.  Without a dramatic exit.

Without announcing your character development to the neighborhood. 😂

I'm also learning that not every unanswered question deserves another question.

Some things can remain unanswered. Some people can remain misunderstood.

Some chapters can remain badly written. 

Some endings can be ugly without becoming tragic.

And some things can simply be finished.

No fireworks. No soundtrack.  No satisfying final speech.

Just a strange little silence where something used to be. Maybe that's adulthood.

Or maybe I'm just finally too tired to chase closure around the house with a butterfly net.

Either way, I'm done chasing.

Not because I have everything figured out. Quite the opposite.

I just don't feel like carrying every unanswered question around anymore.

Some can stay unanswered. Some can stay unfinished.

Some can become somebody else's problem. Honestly, what a relief.

Tonight, I'll probably eat something, stare at my phone for absolutely no productive reason, laugh at something inappropriate, and pretend I have my life together.

Tomorrow will probably bring another plot twist.

It always does. I'll deal with it when it arrives.

For now, I'm choosing the highly sophisticated strategy of not making everything my emergency. 

A revolutionary concept. Highly recommended.

And if anyone needs me...

I'll be somewhere between “whatever happens, happens” and “please don't make me participate in another character-development exercise.” 😂 

Goodnight, I suppose. The plot can continue without my supervision.