Apparently, I’m Learning How to Leave Things Alone

 Today was one of those days where nothing particularly dramatic happened.

Which is usually when the most dramatic things happen.

I woke up. Looked at my life. Looked at my phone.  Looked at the ceiling.

Considered becoming a nun. Rejected the idea because I have expensive coffee habits. 😂

There were a few conversations. A few questions. 

A few things that apparently needed to be discussed. Nothing cinematic.

No screaming. No slammed doors.

Just that strange, quiet feeling of realizing that some things are moving toward an ending whether you are emotionally prepared for it or not.

And maybe that's the part I'm finally learning to accept.

I don't need to understand every single thing today.

I don't need every unanswered question answered immediately.

I don't need to force clarity out of people who are comfortable leaving things unclear.

I don't need to chase explanations until my dignity is lying somewhere on the floor asking for medical assistance. 😂

For once, I can simply say: Okay.  I heard you.  I understand. I'll think about it.

And then I'll decide what I want to do next.

Apparently, this is called having boundaries. 

Who knew?

I always thought boundaries were something other people had while I was busy explaining myself for 47 consecutive business days.

Turns out I can actually say: “I need time.”  “I need information.” “I'll decide.”

And the world doesn't immediately collapse. Amazing.  Highly recommend.

There is something almost funny about realizing that you can stop fighting for an outcome without becoming bitter about it.

You can stop chasing without pretending you never cared.

You can stop explaining without admitting you were wrong about everything.

You can simply... 

step back. Watch. Listen. Think. And choose.

Maybe that's where I am now. 

Not at the beginning. Not quite at the end.

Just somewhere in that uncomfortable hallway between what was and what comes next.

The hallway is ugly. The lighting is terrible.  There is apparently no complimentary coffee.

But I'm still walking. And maybe that's enough.  Because I don't know what happens next.

I don't know which doors will open. I don't know which ones will close.

I don't know which parts of my old life will stay with me.

I don't know which parts I'll eventually laugh about.

But I know one thing: I'm not going to beg a closed door to prove it was once mine.

If it opens, I'll decide whether I still want to walk through it.

If it doesn't...  I'll find another door.

Or build one.  Or, knowing me, accidentally buy an entire building.  😂

For now, I'm learning to sit with uncertainty without immediately trying to fix it.

And honestly? That's harder than it sounds.  But maybe that's the next version of me.

Not fearless. Not healed. Not magically okay.

Just... less willing to abandon herself for an answer.

And strangely enough,  that feels like progress.