Okay, Maybe I Just Need to Get It All Out

Okay.

Maybe I need to stop trying to organize my thoughts.

Because honestly, my thoughts have not been cooperating.

They're everywhere.

One minute I'm thinking about him. 

Next I'm thinking about my marriage. 

Then my finances. Then my future.  

Then my nonexistent job.

Then suddenly I remember I was supposed to start making AI videos.

Then I remember I had already made some drafts.

Then I remember I have absolutely no idea where I saved them.

Excellent. My life is basically a badly organized desktop folder.

final_final_really_final_v3_THISONE.mp4

Except I can't even find the folder.😂

So maybe I just need to pour everything out. All of it. 

The past year. The heartbreak. The confusion.

The anger. The disappointment. The weirdness.

The loneliness. The ridiculousness. 

The things I still don't understand. The things I probably never will.

Maybe I need to write it all down without trying to make it sound inspirational.

Because sometimes I don't feel inspirational.

Sometimes I feel like a woman sitting in the middle of a giant mess thinking, "Okay… where the hell do I even start?” 

My life has been weird. That's probably the nicest way I can describe it.

My marriage? Weird.

My relationship with him? Even weirder. One year of silence. 

Then suddenly, communication because he needs something. And now he's coming back to Indonesia. 

And naturally, my brain decided this was an excellent opportunity to overthink approximately everything.

Could things be different? Could they not?

Does he care? Does he not?

Why am I even asking? He already told me how he feels.

And yet my brain keeps reopening the case like it's some unsolved cold case.

CSI: My Emotional Damage. 😂

Then there's my life outside of all that.

My job hunt. Which, technically, hasn't even properly started.

I've talked about it. I've thought about it. I've planned it.

I've imagined myself working overseas. 

I've looked at opportunities.

I've thought about updating my CV. 

I've thought about applying.

I've thought about applying again. 

I've thought about applying tomorrow.

And somehow… Tomorrow keeps winning.

Apparently, procrastination is the only thing in my life with consistent performance. 

Gold medal. No competition.

And then there are my plans.

The AI videos. The digital things I wanted to create.

The ideas I had. The drafts I apparently made.

Where are they? I don't know.

Somewhere. Probably sitting inside a folder named something completely useless like New Folder (17)

Because apparently future me was supposed to understand what past me was thinking. 

Past me was clearly an idiot. 😂

And underneath all of this is the thing I don't really talk about enough.

I'm tired. 

Not just physically tired. Emotionally tired.

The kind of tiredness where even something small can feel like a mountain.

The kind where you know exactly what you should be doing but somehow can't convince yourself to start.

The kind where you spend an entire day thinking about doing something and then suddenly it's midnight.

And you've accomplished absolutely nothing except developing twelve new theories about your life.

It's frustrating. Because I know I'm capable of more.

I've been capable of more. 

I remember the woman I used to be.

Busy. Independent. Social. 

Ambitious. Always doing something.

Always planning something. Always laughing about something.

And now sometimes I look at myself and wonder where that woman went.

Maybe she's still here. Maybe she's just exhausted.

Maybe she went on an extended vacation without telling me.

Rude. I'd like her back.

But maybe I need to stop waiting for her to magically return.

Maybe I have to start rebuilding her. Piece by piece.

And maybe that's why I need to write all of this.

Because I've been carrying too much inside my head.

Everything about him. Everything about us.

Everything that happened. Everything I lost.

Everything I still want. Everything I'm afraid of.

The future. Money. Work. Love. Home.

Starting over. Being alone. 

Finding someone new. Never finding someone new.

Finding a job. Not finding a job.

Moving overseas. Staying here.

Starting a business. Making videos.

Finding my old drafts. Finding my sanity.

Preferably all of the above.😂

Sometimes I think I need a personal assistant just to manage my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I'm unemployed. 

So that's probably not happening.

Maybe that's why I'm writing tonight. 

Not because I have answers. I don't.

Not because I've figured out my five-year plan. Absolutely not.

I barely have a five-day plan.

I'm writing because I need somewhere to put all of this.

Maybe this blog can be that place.

A messy little corner where I don't have to pretend everything is okay.

Where I can say, "I'm angry." I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm hopeful.

I'm exhausted. I'm scared. I'm excited.  

Sometimes all in the same hour.

Maybe that's allowed.

Maybe healing isn't this beautiful, linear process where you cry a little, learn your lesson, become stronger, and walk into the sunset looking fabulous.

Maybe it's more like, "Cry." Eat. Overthink. Laugh at yourself.

Avoid something important. Feel guilty. Try again. Lose motivation.

Find it again. Forget where you saved your AI video drafts.

Question your entire existence. Make coffee. Try again.

😂

Maybe that's real life. Messy. Unflattering. Sometimes hilarious.

Sometimes heartbreaking. But still mine.

And I think I'm ready to start taking it back.

Not all at once. I don't have the energy for that. 

But slowly. One thing at a time.

Maybe I'll find those stupid AI video drafts.

Maybe I'll finally start applying for jobs.

Maybe I'll rebuild my finances.

Maybe I'll figure out what I actually want from my marriage.

Maybe I'll stop letting one person occupy so much space in my head.

Maybe I'll laugh with my friends again.

Maybe I'll become the woman I remember.

Or maybe I'll become someone completely new.

I don't know yet. For tonight, I'm just getting it out.

All the thoughts. All the feelings. All the questions.

All the ridiculousness. Because maybe before I can rebuild my life…

I need to empty the damn room first.

And apparently, my emotional storage room has been full for about a year. No wonder the system is lagging. 😂

So here it is. The mess. Unfiltered. Unfinished. Still figuring it out.

But at least it's finally outside my head.

And maybe tomorrow…

I'll find that AI video folder. 

God help me.