Maybe I Really Did Turn Off the Feelings

I talked to my aunt about everything.

Then I talked to my bestie in Bali.

Because apparently, when your brain is busy producing 47 different theories about a man who has been silent for a year and suddenly decides to come back to Indonesia, you need outside consultants.

Preferably unpaid ones.

Both of them said pretty much the same thing.

“It’s unusual.”

Why would he come all the way here just to ask you for a favor?

Why not handle it through the usual bureaucracy?

Why does he need to come himself? Why now?

And honestly… I don't know.

Maybe there's something else he needs to do here.

Maybe he's meeting someone. Maybe he has some other business.

Maybe there are things happening that I know nothing about.

Or maybe it's exactly what he said it is, and I'm just overthinking because my brain apparently has too much free time.

Wouldn't surprise me.

But then my aunt said something that made me stop for a second.

What if he has someone new here?

And strangely… I didn't feel that punch in the stomach I thought I would. That thought used to terrify me.

Back then, even imagining him with someone else made my chest feel tight. I hated the idea.

The thought of another woman getting the version of him that I once wanted so badly…

Yeah. That hurt. A lot.

But now?

It's still not exactly a pleasant thought.

Let's not get carried away.

I'm not sitting here handing out congratulatory flowers to his hypothetical new girlfriend.

😂

But it doesn't scare me the way it used to.

And that made me wonder: 

What happened to me?

Did I finally stop caring? Did I actually move on?

Or did I just get tired? 

Because there's a difference.

Maybe feelings don't always disappear dramatically.

Maybe they don't leave with a final goodbye and cinematic background music.

Maybe they just get quieter. And quieter. And quieter.

Until one day someone says,“What if he has someone else?”

And you realize… Oh. That doesn't hurt as much anymore.

And that realization is almost more shocking than the pain used to be.

Because I remember how afraid I was of this.  

The idea that he could find someone else.

That someone else could become important to him.

That someone else could take the place I once occupied.

That someone else could make him feel the things he once felt with me.

I used to think I wouldn't survive that.

Now I'm wondering if maybe I already survived the worst part.

Maybe the worst part wasn't him finding someone else.

Maybe it was slowly realizing that I had already lost him while he was still technically in my life.

Maybe that's why the thought doesn't feel as catastrophic anymore.

Maybe I've already grieved the relationship.

Maybe I've already cried enough tears for one lifetime.

Maybe my heart finally got exhausted from waiting for something to change.

Or maybe… and this is the part I don't quite know how to process…

maybe I don't have those feelings anymore.

Can you really switch them off? Just like that?

Because it doesn't feel like I did. There was no button.

No dramatic CLICK. No announcement:

“Congratulations! Your emotional attachment has been successfully uninstalled.”

If only. Would have saved me a lot of trouble.

Instead, it happened slowly. So slowly that I didn't notice.

One day I stopped checking.

One day I stopped wondering where he was.

One day I stopped imagining what he was doing.

One day his silence stopped feeling like an emergency.

And maybe somewhere along the way, I stopped waiting.

I didn't decide to. It just happened. Which is why I'm confused now.

Because when I found out he was coming back to Indonesia, I expected my heart to go completely insane.

And it did. But maybe not for the reason I thought.

I'm anxious about seeing him. I'm curious.

I'm wondering what it will feel like.

I'm wondering whether things could somehow be different.

I'm still thinking about everything.

But the thought of him possibly having someone else?

It's not destroying me. And maybe that's the answer I've been looking for without realizing it.

Maybe I don't love him the way I used to. 

Maybe I still care about him.

Maybe I still have some attachment to the history we shared.

Maybe I still have questions.

Maybe a tiny part of me still wonders whether something could be repaired.

But perhaps the romantic part of me—the part that wanted to be chosen, wanted to be loved, wanted to feel that spark again— has finally gone quiet.

And honestly? That's both comforting and heartbreaking.

Because if I really have stopped loving him, then what does that say about everything I went through?

Was it all just temporary? Did the love simply expire?

Or did I love him so much that eventually my heart had to protect itself?

I don't know. Maybe feelings aren't switches.

Maybe they're more like candles.

You don't always notice the flame getting smaller.

You just wake up one day and realize the room isn't as warm anymore.

And maybe that's where I am now.

The strange place between I once loved you deeply and I don't know if I love you anymore.

I'm not angry. I'm not completely indifferent. I'm not completely free either.

But I'm not afraid of losing him to someone else the way I once was.

And maybe that's something.

Maybe that's healing. Maybe that's acceptance.  Or maybe I'm just tired.

Who knows?

Apparently, my heart has become very mysterious.

After all the years of making everything complicated, the one thing I expected to remain complicated forever might actually be becoming simple.

Maybe I don't need to know whether he has someone else.

Maybe I don't need to know why he's coming.

Maybe I don't need to decode every detail.

Maybe I just need to pay attention to one thing: How do I feel now?

Not how I felt a year ago.

Not how I felt when everything was falling apart.

Not how I thought I would feel.

How I actually feel.

And the uncomfortable truth is… I'm not as scared anymore.

Maybe because I'm finally realizing that if he chooses someone else, it doesn't take anything away from me.

It doesn't erase our history. It doesn't make me less worthy.

And it doesn't mean I lost.  Maybe it just means his life is moving in a different direction.

And maybe, for the first time, mine is too.

Still…

September hasn't even arrived, and I'm already overthinking what will happen when I see him.

So apparently, I'm not completely enlightened yet.

Let's not give me too much credit.

I'm still me. Just maybe with slightly less emotional damage.

Progress.