Astagfirullah

Here We Go Again…

Here we go again...

Another chapter I never wanted to write, But somehow, I find myself holding the pen, Bleeding words I never thought I’d have to say.

I guess… the joke’s on me.

The first time you betrayed me, I told myself stories just to breathe.
"It was just a moment," 

"A lapse of judgment,"

"Maybe he was lost,

Maybe it was just curiosity..."

But here I am again,

Staring at the same kind of hurt Wearing a different name,

The same lie dressed in new excuses.

This time…

I didn’t cry right away.

I didn’t scream.

I didn’t collapse to the floor like before.

No.

This time, I just stood still As if my heart had finally grown tired Of breaking over and over For someone who’s already moved on While pretending to stay.

I started questioning everything.

 
Is it me?

Am I not soft enough?

Not fiery enough?

Not woman enough?

But deep down, I know the truth.

I have loved you through every season— Storms and sunshine alike.

I held on even when your hands let go.

I believed in us when no one else did.

I silenced my instincts,

I ignored the red flags waving like wildfires because I wanted us to work.

Because I chose you.

But now I realize…

You never truly chose me.

You chose the idea of me, The comfort of a home Without the commitment of loyalty.

You chose the image, But not the sacrifice.

The vows, But not the effort.

And I was too damn naïve to see it.

I thought your promises meant something.

I thought love would be enough

To keep your eyes, your hands, your heart— From wandering.

But love isn’t always enough. 

Not when one heart does all the holding, While the other slips away in silence.

I guess I was wrong.

Wrong about you.

Wrong about the version of you I built in my head— The man who would walk beside me into old age, The man who would fight for us Even when it got hard.

Turns out, I was just loving an illusion.

Turns out, everyone else was right.

(As they always are.)
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

I used to hate that phrase.

Now it feels like a prophecy.

So listen,

If I am not enough for you— If being by my side Through the good and the bad Feels like a prison instead of a privilege— Then don’t stay.

Don’t lie to me With kisses that taste like guilt.

Don’t pretend to hold me

When your soul is with someone else.

Don’t call this love

When you’re only giving half of what love truly is.

You can pack your things.

Take the lies,

The late-night texts you thought I didn’t know about, The perfume that doesn’t belong to me, The emptiness you brought into our bed— And leave.

I won't beg.

I won’t scream.

I won’t even cry this time.

I’m done auditioning for a role That should’ve always been mine.

Because I deserve more. 

More than being second to a stranger.

More than “maybe,”

More than excuses,

More than pain disguised as patience.

I deserve a love that’s whole, That doesn’t flinch when things get tough.

I deserve arms that hold me because they can’t imagine letting go.

I deserve eyes that only see me

In a room full of temptations.

And if you can’t be that man… 

Then I’ll find peace without you.

Because I’d rather be alone Than be with someone Who makes me feel lonely in their presence.

I’ll heal.

I’ll rebuild.

I’ll cry some nights, sure.

But I will not break this time.

My heart’s been shattered.

But even broken glass catches the light.

So, goodbye.

And I mean it.

Goodbye to the version of you I once believed in.

Goodbye to the future I built in my mind.

Goodbye to the girl who kept forgiving, Hoping, Waiting.

She’s gone now.

What remains is a woman who knows her worth.

A woman who is tired of being an option

When she was always meant to be a priority.

So go— Find whatever it is you’re looking for.

Chase it.

Hold it tight.

Maybe it’ll be enough for you.

Maybe it won’t.

But I won't be here,Waiting in the shadows Of your indecision.

I loved you.

With everything I had.

And maybe that love deserved better hands To be held in.

Maybe one day, you’ll look back and realize what you lost.

Maybe you won’t.

Either way, I’ll be okay.

Not today, not tomorrow.  

But soon.

Because I’ve learned something Through all this pain—

I may be speechless, but I am not voiceless.

I may be heartbroken, but I am not broken.

And I may be alone, but I am not empty.

So goodbye,

And may you find peace, Even if it was never meant to be with me.