Alhamdulillah (13 Juli 2022)

Alhamdulillah

We're Finally Married 

Exhausted

Exhausted

Yeah, lately I am have a mix feeling about everything that happens in my life. 

Mixed between Happy, sad, angry, confuse, exhausted, tired, feed up mostly about everything

Last night after a decent amount conversation through video call with my drop dead gorgeous fiancé, decided to rest my head on my bolster.

I don't want to tell him what's going on not because I don't trust him enough with this issues, but I don't want to burden him with this "challenging issue" so I decided to pour my emotion out in my bolster and pretend it was him.

I know that he would do anything in his power to help me out, but this time I am not gonna tell him this "challenging issues". Having him around is a really blessing in my life

Yeah I realized that I am wacko because I often talking with myself. Well since I am not hurting anyone else let alone myself, I don't really care what people said about me.

I know exactly what I need right. All I need is HIM and A BIG HUG

I don't know how much longer to bear this situation, but I really need to be strong for everyone sake.

But how about my sake? My sanity ?

I really need me time for a while...

Hufft

Can't I just take some rest, Please ?

أَسْتَغْفِرُ اللّٰهَ‎ 

I am about this close to loose my sanity. Why this whole thing constantly non stop. 

Every damn day there's a new trouble between this circle. 

Why don't any of them let me to catch my breath for a while. 

I am well aware that I am the eldest and I had lots of responsibility for everything, but I am kinda overwhelmed right now.  

To say that I am overwhelmed is underrated because I am more than overwhelmed.

Here I am trying to get my life back from scratch, but I can't focus because every damn day there will be a new "challenge"

When I thought ah okay, one challenge is completed now it's time for me to focus on myself.

Oh boy, I was so damn wrong. 

It's a never ending vicious cycle from one challenge to another challenge.

How I am gonna focus on my life if this vicious cycle continued like this

Can't I just take some rest, PLEASE ?

Demotion Effect

After the unnecessary drama with mom on Wednesday (25 August 2021), i got into weird condition last night on Thursday (26 August 2021) and start asking him weird question like if he ever think anything negative about me. 

He kind of confuse with my question but he didn't ask further more. Well since it's getting awkward because of me, i lied to him about want to sleep early and end up slept around 3am in the morning. 

Honestly I am thinking what if He's thinking that the whole reason I am in relationship with him its because financial problem. Which clearly it's not the reason why i am in the relationship with him, I do love him with all my heart and everything. 

I am being weird out last night by asking stupid question to him. He got confuse about the question but luckily he didn't ask anything about it because he know I'll talk about it when it's the right time to talk. 
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Nendrong convince me that he is being sincere since the first time, he won't think something like that. He is confuse because the relationship is perfectly fine, and she believe its my insecurity that talking right now. 

Nendrong said if he think's you're being annoying or negative, pretty sure he will definitely tell you right away

She convince me that he know exactly my conditions right now and he is being thoughtful about the whole situation. 
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I do remember that he told me about it's my time to experience in this situation and it won't be like this forever. 

I do remember he saying things like "Leave your problem to the world. I am your world"

Right now, I felt like doing self sabotage with my relationship which runs perfectly fine and I need to stop doing it. 

I am thinking that I am almost 40th this year and my life isn't in normal condition compare to everyone else in their 40th. 

I am well aware that i am not supposed to compare my life with anyone life but right now i felt like a failure.

Everything in my life is one big pile of mess start from me being almost 40th, divorce without kid, my parents divorce, got demoted, crappy job, crappy life and the only things that work out only my relationship  

Honestly I don't know what exactly he sees in me. What if one day in the future he wake up and realize that I am not the one he wants to be his side.

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Nendrong says don't ruin your happiness with negativity, trust me. Don't do it. 

God give him to you as a blessing. 

She believe that i am in depressed states and being insecure because problem with Ibu suri and it's getting worse.

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I really think my demotion had huge effects on me more than i imagined it. 

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Nendrong says you're getting demoted doesn't mean you're not worthy and don't you dare let whatever tante suri says got into your brain. 

Demoted mean less money which effect you're being insecure because you can't give to mom maximum and also you're thinking that you can't make her more happy which effect your mind to your relationship so you're being insecure right now. 

You can't forget about it, its alright but it doesn't mean whatever she said is right, and you know damn well it's not. 

Stop thinking negative and you got to stop thinking like that. You're worth it and you must ignore whatever people said that might bring you down. Those people don't know whatever they're saying because if they know it, they won't talk shit like that. 

If you keep mention this to him, it's not fair for him. You really need to stop thinking that way before it ruins everything and affect your relationship. 

You don't want your relationship got crappy. 
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Right now my relationship is the one that keep me sane for now

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Nendrong says : Stop think like that. Don't ruin what you have right now with your insecurity. You know in fact that you're the one who got lucky in relationship which is exactly what you want deep down. You should be grateful for what you have right now and don't think yourself as a victim.

You know what,  sometimes i want to exchange everything just to get a relationship that i can count on for my future. So see? Sometimes what you have it's what people want. 

I know that i probably have a better job but it's still a job. it can't be compared to the relationship that you have right now. You should be grateful. Don't ruin it. 
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I need to do something about this. I need something to distract myself so i can stop this thing

Officially got Demoted

8 June 2021, the day that I despise so much

It's official, I finally got my demotion letter

I know and realized that this day will come soon or later but when it's finally come, I couldn't barely hold it together

The moment Tante suri ask me for one and one and explain about my new position and there will be an adjustment in my salary.

I am trying so hard to keep my face straight, no emotion whatsoever when she hand me the letter while explain the whole thing. I am not even asking about salary adjustment

I hold my head up and just accept it as it is

I've face something worst than these and I survive

It's official 

It's ALRIGHT DIKA. YOU CAN DO THIS !!!!!!

You'll survive these storm. You can conquer every huge storm that came your way

Pretty sure it's just a walk in the park for this NIGHTMARE !!!!

We're getting back together ? really?

Honestly i had know idea what's US right now? 

Its started on March 12, 2021 when he suddenly text me on WhatsApp asking if i am still saying no to his request ?

At that time, I didn't reply back since I thought there's nothing to discuss and I thought he is not gonna call me back after 1.5 month we're not talking at all

Didn't know what it was, a break up or it's simply a break from each other. As far as I know that he decided to end it because we didn't have the same vision for the future and the fact that we're not talking to each other for 46 days makes me a little confuse and wondering why he suddenly text me back after 25 January 2021

Well, honestly I thought the text from him isn't that serious. I mean how could you text someone just like that without even bother to ask your condition first and just said what you wanted say. 

Well I am doing the most rational thing to do, just ignore his text for a week. First I really didn't know what's left to said. Obviously even thought I do still love him but clearly I won't beg and ask him to come back. HELL NO..

Until 21 March 2021, out of nowhere he called through WhatsApp and I didn't want to talk so I am just ignore the call and then he text to my other WhatsApp, which I ignore as well.

Then he called through Google Duo at 23 March 2021, which he call 3 times a day during that day : 7.08PM (3.08PM in Riyadh) which last 20:55 minutes, 8.09PM (4.09PM in Riyadh) which last 34:42 minutes, 10.52PM (6.52PM in Riyadh) which last 35:46 minutes.

Well after that, he called constantly since that day. 

After that day, we've talk a lot, I've told him what I am feeling after I've told him about my answer to his request and he didn't want to hear my explanation or reason and just saying I wish u the very best & good luck 

Told him that I didn't answer his call on 21 March 2021 because I didn't have anything to talk about with him and after hearing those word from him it's really broke my heart into pieces

I told him exactly what I am feeling after those day. How upset I am towards him and everything else. I don't hold back any information from him. 

He genuinely asking apology and said if there's anything he could do to make things back before 46 days.

I didn't answer it right away because I don't want to expect anything from him, specially I can't afford to deal another heart break again 

Well since 23 March 2021, we're back together again. At least we're back to our normal routine.

Well for all I know, he is really change and he is really thoughtful about what I felt and everything.

If everything goes smoothly, Insha Allah we're gonna get married this YEAR

 إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ‎, 

Time will heal wounds ???

Time will heal all the wounds????

I am not really sure with the proverb that saying time will heal all the wounds. 

People have lots of wounds, either its from their childhood, during their teenager, brokenhearted, family issue, divorce, father issue, mother issue, friendship issue, work issue, etc. All those type of wounds that everyone would have been experience at the very least once in their lifetime.

I don't know about people wounds, so I am just gonna talk about my wounds.

Honestly I've lots of wounds but this time it's about my love wounds. 

I don't know if my old wounds have heal after 5 years since that harsh and painful divorce. Honestly I've think that I've heal from all of things that happens in the past

But after what happens with my last relationship (For me, it was a relationship although I am not quite sure with him), I am not sure that my old wounds have heal

My old wounds haven't heal 100% yet and now I got a new wounds

How come they say Time will heal all wounds ?????

I honestly don't know the answer to that question