It's should had been me all along

Damn right

It's should have been me all along.

It's should have been me who got pregnant.

It's should have been me who carried your kid in my belly.

It's should have been me all along.

I don't know what happening with me lately. 

My eyes tend to get wets every damn time  I see a happy couple (husband and wife), a pregnant woman with a caring husband and their baby

Gosh i am such a whinny. It's not because I regret the decision about my marriage. Because I ain't regret the decisions whatsoever.

I am just a normal human being who might have overly sensitive about my emotion. I tend to get emotional about what happens lately.

I know exactly what happens with my emotions when my sister in law told me the good news that she is pregnant.

Don't get me wrong because that is a good news for both of them and my family. But I was disappointed because I kinda wish that I should have pregnant.

Who am I kidding anyway? 

Hoping that after all these year i am pregnant. Because what happen in the last year I should have lower my expectations.

I should be grateful because I ain't pregnant because if i am pregnant, I ain't sure about my last decision.

I should be grateful because I finally can made up my mind and make that important decision.

Only Allah Swt know how hard I try to look so damn strong in front everyone. 

How I manage to put a big fat smile, kept telling everyone around me that I am alright with everything that happens lately.

How I manage to look so damn excited and happy all the time even though I am scatter inside. 

My heart was torn in a million pieces.

How I manage to do my everyday routine well enough in case anyone was worrying about me.

How I hate to pretend to be alright with this shitty situation, hoping this is just some kinda nightmare and I would wake up anytime.

For the record, I ain't gonna back down from the decision I made earlier.

I am just carried away with the situation.

Bismillah ;)