I Really Need to Start Over

I really need to start over. 

I know that. I've known it for a while.

And yet, every time I tell myself : Okay, Dika. This is it. Tomorrow you're going to start.

Tomorrow comes. And somehow…  I don't. 😂

It's almost impressive. 

I can make an entire plan in my head. I can imagine the new life.

I can imagine myself working again, earning my own money, traveling, laughing with friends, spending time with family, taking care of myself, waking up excited about life again.

I can see it so clearly. 

And then I do absolutely nothing. Well done, Dika.

Ten out of ten for visualization. Zero out of ten for execution.

The truth is, I feel overwhelmed.  Not just a little overwhelmed.

The kind where you look at your life and don't even know which mess you're supposed to clean up first.

There are so many things I need to fix.

So many things I need to recover. So many things I want to change.

And sometimes the list feels so damn long that my brain simply goes: “Nope. We're going back to bed.”😂

It's not that I don't want a better life. I desperately do.

It's not that I don't know what I need to do. I do.

I need to work. I need to rebuild my finances.

I need to get back into the job market. 

I need to create opportunities. I need to reconnect with people.

I need to take care of myself.   I need to stop living in the aftermath of everything that happened.

I need to start building something new. 

I know. I KNOW.

But knowing what to do and actually having the energy to do it are two completely different things.

Sometimes I feel defeated before I've even started.

And that's probably the part I hate the most. 

Because I remember who I used to be. 

Before all of this. Before the heartbreak. 

Before the betrayal.  Before the financial mess.  

Before losing pieces of myself along the way.

I remember being ambitious. Independent. Funny. Social.

Full of plans. I remember having this energy about life.

I had dreams. I had confidence. I had things I wanted to accomplish.

I had a life that felt like mine.

And somehow, somewhere along the way, I became this exhausted version of myself who spends too much time thinking and not enough time moving.

I don't want to stay here. I refuse to.

Because maybe the biggest mistake would be allowing what happened to become the final chapter of my life.

No. Absolutely not. That would be giving other people way too much power.

And frankly, they've already had enough. So I want to start over. 

Not because I want to prove that I'm better than anyone.

Okay…Maybe there's a tiny, petty part of me that wants to.😂

Maybe one day I want the people who underestimated me to look at my life and think: “Wait… what happened to her?”

I want the people who hurt me to eventually hear about me and say: “Wow. I can't believe she turned out like that.”

And maybe, somewhere in the back of their minds: 

“Damn. I really messed that one up.”

Is that petty? Probably.

Is it healthy? We'll see.

I'm working on it.😂

But underneath that little revenge fantasy is something much more important.

I want to impress myself. 

I want to wake up one day and realize: Holy shit. I actually did it.

I want to build a life so full that the people who walked away from me become irrelevant footnotes.

Not because I hate them. 

Not because I need them to regret anything.

But because my life became too beautiful to revolve around people who didn't know how to value me.

I want to become fabulous again. Actually… Maybe not again.

Maybe I want to become a version of myself that I've never been before.

Stronger. Smarter. More independent. More confident. 

More selective about who gets access to me.

A woman who knows exactly what she brings to the table.

And who is perfectly capable of eating alone if nobody appreciates the meal.😂

I don't want to spend another year sitting here thinking about what could have been.

I want to think about what could be. I want a job overseas. 

I want financial stability. I want to rebuild what I've lost. 

I want to travel.I want to laugh with my friends again. 

I want family around me. I want spontaneous plans. 

I want good coffee and ridiculous conversations.

I want new experiences. 

I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself again.

And maybe someday, I want to fall in love again. 

But not because I need someone to rescue me.

Not because I need someone to complete me.

And definitely not because I'm afraid of being alone.

If love comes, wonderful. If it doesn't, I'll still have a life worth living.

Because I'm starting to understand something.

Maybe I don't need to go back to the woman I was before I met him.

Maybe I need to take everything I've learned, everything I've survived, everything that broke me, and build someone new.

Someone who doesn't ignore red flags because she desperately wants the story to work.

Someone who doesn't abandon herself trying to keep someone else.

Someone who doesn't confuse being needed with being loved.

Someone who doesn't wait around hoping somebody will finally realize her worth.

She already knows it.

And maybe that's the comeback I really want.

Not the kind where someone else regrets losing me.

The kind where I don't regret losing myself anymore.

So yes. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm scared.

Sometimes I feel defeated. 

Sometimes I still don't know where to begin.

But maybe starting over doesn't mean fixing my entire life tomorrow.

Maybe it means doing one thing.

Then another. Then another. Sending one application.

Making one phone call. Finishing one task.

Getting out of bed. Taking one step.

Then another. And another.

Until one day I look around and realize I'm no longer standing in the ruins.

I'm building something. My life. My future. 

My happiness. My comeback.

And maybe someday, someone who betrayed me will look at the woman I've become and think: “I can't believe she turned out to be that amazing.”

Maybe they'll regret leaving. Maybe they won't.

Honestly? I don't want to wait around to find out.

Because the real plot twist would be this: I become so happy, so successful, so completely in love with my own life…

that I don't even care whether they regret it.

Now that would be fabulous.

So, Dika…

Get up. We have work to do.

The comeback isn't going to build itself.

And unfortunately, Netflix hasn't released the episode where someone else comes along and fixes our entire life.

Rude. 

So I guess I'll have to do it myself.

And maybe that's exactly how it should be.