Still love him anyways

Even though the last few months have felt like a never-ending nightmare—if I’m not mistaken, it started around September 2014—something in him changed. 

Drastically.

Suddenly, he became someone I could barely recognize. 

Someone cold, distant, unfamiliar. 

The man I once knew, the one I once laughed with, cried with, dreamed with—felt like he disappeared right before my eyes. 

And in his place was someone who made my life feel like a slow, burning heartache.

Still… despite all of that…

My feelings for him remain the same.

My love for him hasn’t changed, not even a little.

No matter what happened. 

No matter how painful it’s been. 

No matter how many tears I’ve cried alone in silence. 

Deep down, I still love him with every part of me. 

And maybe that’s what hurts the most—loving someone who no longer feels like they love you back.

We made a sacred commitment in front of our families, our friends… and most importantly, in front of Allah SWT. 

We promised to walk through life together.

Through ease and difficulty. 

Through joy and pain. 

I held on to that vow with everything I had.

But lately, it’s been so hard.

The man he is now feels so different from the one I married. 

He doesn’t speak to me the same way. 

He doesn’t look at me the same way. 

It’s like the warmth, the connection, the soul of our relationship has vanished. 

And I’ve tried—I really have. 

I’ve tried to understand.

I’ve tried to be patient. 

I’ve tried to stay strong even when it felt impossible.

And even when anger fills my chest—even when I say I hate him in moments of frustration—I know deep in my heart that my love for him is bigger than any of that.

Because no matter how much pain he has caused me, I still choose him.

Over and over again. 

There’s no one else I want to share this life with. 

He is the only one I’ve ever imagined growing old with. 

Building a future. 

Starting a family. 

Holding hands through the storms of life.

But now… I can only pray.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabb…

Please bring my husband back to me. 

Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

Bring back the man I used to know—the man who once loved me without hesitation.

Ya Allah, Ya Rabb…

Please heal me.

Whatever has taken root in his heart—be it pain, confusion, temptation, or darkness—please remove it. 

Replace it with peace, clarity, and love.

And if there’s still hope for us, 

Ya Allah… 

please show me. 

Give me a sign. 

Give me the strength to keep going.

And if there isn’t… 

then please give me the courage to let go with grace.

But for now… 

all I ask is this:

Please bring him back to my heart.

Amin, Ya Rabbal ‘Alamin.