I Don't Know What Comes Next

I Don't Know What Comes Next. I don't actually know what I'm doing right now.

There. I said it.

No inspirational speech. No perfectly organized five-year plan.

No beautifully color-coded vision board waiting somewhere to tell me that everything will be fine.

I have absolutely no fucking idea. 😂

I don't know what the future has for me. I don't know where I'll be.

I don't know what my life will look like six months from now.

I don't know which doors will open. I don't know which ones will slam directly into my face.

Apparently, the universe has decided to keep the itinerary classified.

Very professional. Very reassuring. 😂

All I know is that I'm standing in the middle of a mess I never planned for.

And honestly?

Some days I look at it and think: What the hell am I supposed to do with all of this?

There are things I can't fix today. Things I can't control. Things I can't understand.

Things I wish had gone differently. Things I wish I could rewind.

And there are questions I still don't have answers for.

So I'm going to stop pretending I do.

Maybe I don't need to know the entire road.  Maybe I just need to see the next few steps.

That's it. One step. Then another.  Then another.

Slowly. Painfully.

Sometimes angrily. Sometimes while crying.

Sometimes while laughing at the sheer fucking absurdity of my life.

Because apparently my character development had to come with unpaid overtime. 😂

If this mess is somehow part of something bigger waiting for me...

Fine. I don't understand it.  I don't like it. I certainly didn't order it. 

But I'm here.

So I'll walk through it. Slowly.

I don't need to sprint toward the light.

Hell, some days I'll be happy just to locate the damn tunnel. 😂

Maybe the light at the end isn't some spectacular transformation.

Maybe it's simply waking up one morning and realizing:  “Oh. I'm okay.”

Maybe it's having my own money.

Maybe it's building something that belongs entirely to me.

Maybe it's travelling somewhere I've never been.  

Maybe it's snow. Obviously, there better be snow. 😂

Maybe it's sitting in a café somewhere far away and realizing I haven't thought about the things that once consumed me for an entire day.

Maybe it's laughing without remembering why I used to hold it back.

Maybe it's wearing whatever the hell I want.

Maybe it's having people around me who don't make me question whether I'm allowed to be myself.

Maybe it's simply becoming someone I actually enjoy being.

I don't know.

And for once...

I'm trying to be okay with not knowing. 

Because I've spent enough time trying to control outcomes that were never mine to control.

Some things are ending.  Some things are beginning.

Some things are still sitting awkwardly in the middle like they forgot to read the script.

That's life, apparently.

A badly organized production with no rehearsal and a budget that disappears whenever you need it most. 😂

So I'm not going to demand that I understand everything tonight.

I'm going to take the next step. Then the next.

I'll carry what I can.  I'll leave behind what I can't.

I'll cry when I need to. 

I'll laugh when something is ridiculous. I'll rest when I'm exhausted.

I'll keep building.  I'll keep looking.

And if I can't see the light yet? Fine.

I'll keep walking. Because maybe the point isn't knowing exactly where the tunnel ends.

Maybe the point is realizing that I'm still moving.

And as long as I'm moving, this isn't the end.

It's just the part of the story where everything looks fucking terrible before the plot finally makes sense.

So here I am.

No map. No guarantees. No idea what comes next.

Just one stubborn woman, one uncertain future, and an unreasonable amount of faith that somewhere ahead...

there is a life I haven't met yet.

I'll get there. Slowly.  Messily. Probably with coffee.

Definitely with sarcasm. But I'll get there.

I don't know what's waiting for me at the end of this tunnel.

Maybe that's okay. 

For now...

I'll just keep walking toward the light.