Here we go again

Bismillah...

Hokeyyy...

Here we go again.

Another round in this silent war, Another attempt to fight what’s unseen—
To fix what I never broke, To heal wounds I didn’t cause.

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A code. 

A reminder. 

A burden.

It’s the beginning of the same cycle,

A ritual I’ve done too many times.

Cleanse.  

Reset. 

Endure.

And though I walk through it once more, I ask myself, How much longer can I carry this?

I’m not here to complain.

I’ve passed that phase long ago.

Now, I sit quietly in acceptance, No longer questioning the reasons, No longer chasing the truth behind the whispers, The spells, The black magic tied to his name.

I used to wonder why.

Why him?

Why me?

Why this marriage?

Why the pain that loops again and again

Like a broken song stuck in time?

But I’ve learned that not every ‘why’ needs an answer.

Some things are simply written, And some battles are chosen not by us,
But for us.

I no longer seek to understand his motives.

I don’t need explanations anymore.

I’ve stopped waiting for him to change,

Stopped hoping he’d fight beside me

Instead of leaving me to fight alone.

Still, I rise.

Still, I perform the rituals.

Still, I whisper prayers in the stillness of night

While the world sleeps, my heart aches in silence.

Ya Allah…

You are the most knowing.

You see what is hidden.

You hear what is never spoken.

And I believe—

With every breath in me—

That You would never burden me With something I cannot bear.

So I keep going. 

Step by heavy step.

Carrying this marriage on my shoulders, Even if I walk it alone.

Not out of weakness,But because my faith teaches me That patience has reward, That hardship has purpose, And that pain—when entrusted to You— Becomes a bridge to something greater.

I do this not for him.

Not anymore.

But for me.

For the peace I crave,

For the closure I deserve,

For the future that might still bloom

Beyond the darkness of today.

So here I am.

Still standing.

Still praying.

Still doing the ritual,

One more time.

Maybe for the last time.

Maybe not.

But always with hope

That You, Ya Rabb,

Will guide me To whatever ending You’ve written for me—

With strength, with clarity, And above all,with peace.

Aamiin.